Browse audiobooks by Dicholas Chad Pansy, listen to samples and when you're ready head over to Audiobooks.com where you can get 3 FREE audiobooks on us
"ATTENTION, WALKING RED FLAG: Do you panic when someone texts, “I miss you”? Have you ghosted someone while still liking all their Instagram posts? Does the idea of an actual healthy relationship make you want to jump out of a moving vehicle? CONGRATULATIONS. YOU MAY BE ENTIRELY INCAPABLE OF LOVE. But don’t worry—this book is not here to fix you. Instead, it will celebrate your terrible dating habits with: A step-by-step guide to self-sabotaging any relationship before it gets serious. The “Should I Text Them Back?” flowchart (spoiler: you won’t). An exclusive Avoidant Attachment Bingo (check off “Lost interest the second they liked me back” and “Developed an existential crisis over a ‘Good morning’ text”). Tactical escape routes for when someone actually wants commitment (options include moving to another city overnight and faking a sudden spiritual journey). This book will NOT help you become emotionally available. It will NOT guide you toward a loving, fulfilling relationship. But it WILL make you laugh at your own dysfunction while you continue ruining every romantic opportunity life gives you. For entertainment purposes only. If you actually follow this book’s advice, you should be legally required to carry a warning label."
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Benjamin Powell (Narrator)
Audiobook
"Are you tired of thinking until your brain hurts? Sick of caring about every little disaster life throws at you? Done with the “personal growth” scam that just leaves you broke and eating kale? Then Live, Laugh, Lobotomy is your ticket to freedom—the kind that comes from ditching stress, worries, and any shred of responsibility for a lifestyle of cheerful, blissful vacancy. This isn’t your grandma’s self-help book; it’s a sarcastic, biting manifesto for erasing overthinking and embracing the art of not giving a damn. In this unapologetic guide, you’ll learn how to: Smile vacantly through apocalypses and awkward conversations alike. Ignore global crises, emails, and your own flaws like a pro. Fake intelligence with memes and “Wow, that’s crazy” while knowing next to nothing. Turn social media into a mind-numbing paradise and avoidance into a chic lifestyle. With razor-sharp wit and zero pretense, this book proves the less you know, the happier you are—because the real secret to thriving is caring less than a lobotomized goldfish. Say goodbye to existential misery and hello to a brain fog so thick you’ll forget why you ever stressed in the first place. Perfect for anyone who’s ready to laugh at life’s chaos and float through it like a beautifully clueless cloud. Welcome to the lobotomized elite—your stress-free, worry-proof sanctuary of ignorance awaits. Grab your copy, stop overanalyzing, and start living the vacant dream today!"
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Benjamin Powell (Narrator)
Audiobook
Ruin Your Life Now: How To Use The Power Of Affirmations To Destroy Your Life
"Tired of self-help books promising success, happiness, and inner peace? Good. You're holding the only book brave enough to say what you're really thinking: 'Why bother?' Welcome to Ruin Your Life Now—the ultimate anti-self-help book for overthinkers, self-saboteurs, and anyone who’s ever looked in the mirror and muttered, “Yikes.” Written by professional over-apologizer and amateur disaster Dicholas Chad Pansy, this brutally sarcastic guide shows you how to weaponize affirmations not for success—but for spectacular failure. Learn to: Attract toxic relationships with the efficiency of a broken dating app Manifest crushing debt and emotional instability Sabotage your job, body, and soul in record time Cultivate spiritual emptiness and repel divine intervention Alienate everyone who ever loved you (or at least tolerated you) Think of it as your daily dose of self-destruction, disguised as a coping mechanism. Packed with toxic affirmations, unnecessary rants, and advice so bad it circles back to genius, Ruin Your Life Now is like a car crash you can’t stop watching—except the car is your life and you’re the one behind the wheel, blindfolded. This is not a guide to healing. This is a how-to manual for becoming the chaotic, emotionally-unstable dumpster fire you were always meant to be. Don’t fix your life. Ruin it. On purpose."
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Benjamin Powell (Narrator)
Audiobook
The Bullshit Artist's Handbook: How to Dominate Conversations with Zero Expertise
"If you’ve ever found yourself in a conversation thinking, “I have no idea what I’m talking about”—this book is your salvation. In The Bullsht Artist’s Handbook*, self-proclaimed overthinker and professional nonsense generator Dicholas Chad Pansy offers a brutally honest, wildly practical guide to dominating conversations, debates, meetings, and social events with zero actual knowledge. No degrees, facts, or preparation required—just the audacity to sound like you know what you’re doing. This isn’t about lying. This is about sounding smart, intimidatingly confident, and vaguely profound—all while saying absolutely nothing of substance. Inside, you'll learn how to: Weaponize confidence to bulldoze logic Say a lot without saying anything (and get applause for it) Use pauses, squints, and sighs to look like a genius Win debates without facts (or shame) Drop philosopher names you've never read (convincingly) Bullsh*t your way through work meetings, parties, and even Twitter Whether you're looking to survive awkward small talk, impress strangers at brunch, or gaslight your way to the top of the corporate ladder, this handbook is your guide to becoming a certified conversational menace. Warning: This is a humor book. If you’re looking for actual personal growth, you’ve taken a very wrong turn."
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Benjamin Powell (Narrator)
Audiobook
"Are you tired of people being happy around you? Do you dream of a world where no one dares to enjoy life in your presence? Congratulations!"
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Rebekah Amber Clark (Narrator)
Audiobook
"BREAKING UP USED TO BE SIMPLE. In 1996, you just asked for your CDs back. Now, in 2025, you're begging your ex to delete that picture of your b*tthole. Welcome to modern breakups—where the pain is digital, the receipts are forever, and your ex is still watching your Instagram stories. This book is for anyone who has ever: ✔️ Sent a “just checking in” text at 2 AM and immediately regretted it. ✔️ Seen their ex on a dating app three days after the breakup and momentarily blacked out. ✔️ Considered a full-blown career change just to avoid running into them. ✔️ Attempted to post a thirst trap but overthought the caption for five hours. Sorry, but getting dumped has never been more complicated. From the social media warfare to the existential dread of realizing your ex is suddenly hotter, Sorry About That is the hilariously vicious guide to surviving heartbreak in the digital age. Warning: This book will not help you grow. It will, however, make you feel slightly less pathetic while you stalk their LinkedIn page."
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Ivy E Hensley (Narrator)
Audiobook
"Are you tired of getting ghosted? Sick of waiting for that text back that will never come? Ever wondered how you, too, can master the art of emotional escape artistry? Good news, coward! This book is here to validate your worst instincts and teach you how to disappear like a true professional. Whether you’ve been ghosted, have done the ghosting, or just love chaotic dating disasters, this book is your hilarious, deeply unhinged guide to modern romance at its absolute worst. Inside, you’ll learn: "
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Alysia Gates (Narrator)
Audiobook
Dead Inside, But Functional: A Guide To Barely Existing Without Losing Your Mind
"Are you tired of pretending to care? Do you want to survive life with the absolute least amount of emotional effort? Congratulations—you’re ready to become Dead Inside, But Functional. Life is exhausting. People expect enthusiasm, deep emotional connections, and basic human engagement. Annoying. But guess what? You don’t actually have to care—you just have to look like you do. This book is not about healing. It’s about perfecting the fine art of detachment while still participating in society just enough to avoid suspicion. Inside, You’ll Learn: ☠️ How to master the dead-eyed customer service smile while thinking about absolutely nothing ☠️ The science of responding to any crisis with “Damn, that sucks” and moving on immediately ☠️ Why “It is what it is” should be your life motto ☠️ How to fake emotional depth by saying, “I just don’t open up easily” ☠️ Strategic bathroom breaks: The only legally acceptable way to escape responsibility ☠️ How to nod convincingly while mentally escaping to Ancient Rome ☠️ The trick to falling asleep in three minutes by accepting your own mortality ☠️ How to function just enough at work so no one notices you’re doing absolutely nothing This is not a motivational book. It won’t inspire you. It won’t fix you. It will simply help you navigate life in the most effortless way possible, while maintaining just enough interaction to avoid being declared legally missing."
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Li Haupt (Narrator)
Audiobook
I Feel That: How to Absorb Other People’s Problems Like a Human Sponge and Regret It Immediately
"Are you emotionally exhausted for no reason? Do you pick up on other people’s vibes like a human satellite dish? Have you ever locked eyes with a sad-looking dog and suddenly needed therapy? CONGRATULATIONS! You might be an empath. (Or just a really tired person who needs a nap. Either way, this book is for you.) From the chaotically overwhelmed mind of bestselling author Dicholas Chad Pansy comes the first-ever survival guide for empaths who have absolutely no idea how to stop absorbing other people’s problems like an unpaid emotional support sponge. © 2025 Ruin Your Life Now (E-book): 6610000767236"
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Benjamin Powell (Narrator)
Audiobook
Maybe Im The Problem?: How To Second-Guess Yourself Into Oblivion And Still Have Time For A Nap
"Are you tired of being emotionally stable? Do you wish you could turn every minor interaction into a full-blown existential crisis? Look no further than Maybe I'm the Problem? – the ultimate guide to professional self-gaslighting and strategic overthinking. From the brilliantly neurotic mind of Dicholas Chad Pansy comes a self-help book that will definitely not help you at all. Inside, you’ll learn essential skills like: Turning a simple 'Hey' text into a three-day analysis of your entire life. Convincing yourself that your perfectly fine presentation was actually a career-ending disaster. Advanced techniques for imagining worst-case scenarios that defy the laws of physics. The art of apologizing for things that happened in dreams. Perfect for anyone who's ever: ✅ Checked their stove seventeen times in one hour. ✅ Spent a sleepless night replaying that weird thing they said in 2009. ✅ Texted “no worries!!” while absolutely seething with worry. ✅ Said “hope that helps!” in an email while actively panicking. ⚠️ Warning: Side effects may include: Increased self-awareness, Decreased self-awareness, Or both simultaneously. Reader discretion is advised. (But don’t think about it too much. Or do. Oh god, now you’re overthinking whether you’re overthinking.)"
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Benjamin Powell (Narrator)
Audiobook
"A Guide to Making Decisions, Then Changing Your Mind 47 Times "
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Benjamin Powell (Narrator)
Audiobook
"Congratulations! You’ve found yet another self-help book that you’ll skim through, feel briefly inspired by, and then completely ignore while continuing to make the same bad decisions. "
Dicholas Chad Pansy (Author), Benjamin Powell (Narrator)
Audiobook
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