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Geoff Tibballs - Author

About the Author

Geoff Tibballs is the author of the bestselling Mammoth Book of Jokes and The Mammoth Book of Dirty Jokes as well as many other books including Business Blunders and Legal Blunders. A former journalist and press officer, he is now a full-time writer who lists his hobbies as sport, eating, drinking, and avoiding housework. He lives in Nottingham, England, with his wife and daughters.

Featured books by Geoff Tibballs

Other books by Geoff Tibballs

The Wicked Wit of England

The Wicked Wit of England

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Hardback Release Date: 01/11/2018

If there is one thing that first-time visitors to England find mystifying - along with our fondness for eating chips out of old newspapers, our nostalgia for the shipping forecast (even though most of us have never ventured out to sea in a trawler) and the fact that not all men wear bowler hats to work - it is our sense of humour. 'Ah, you English and your humour,' they will say, with an air of suspicion, unsure as to whether they have just been unexpectedly praised or routinely insulted. It is easy to sympathize with them, for English humour encompasses a number of different styles. It can be surreal or satirical, dark or sophisticated, bawdy or genteel. And nobody does irony or sarcasm like the English. If Olympic gold medals were awarded for sarcasm, we would top the leader board every time. The various idiosyncrasies of the English character - the social awkwardness, the constant need to apologize, the obsession with the weather, the stiff upper lip, and the love of queuing, to name but a few - are celebrated in The Wicked Wit of England, a collection of stories, anecdotes, quips and quotes featuring English people from all walks of life, from Quentin Crisp to Frank Skinner and Stephen Hawking to Thora Hird. This book might not help outsiders understand the English, but it might make them tolerate us a little more.

Just Like Dad Says A Book of Dad's Wit

Just Like Dad Says A Book of Dad's Wit

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 25/10/2018

'I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood' Homer Simpson Fathers come in many guises - wise or silly, strict or kind. They can make you laugh and they can make you cringe. They can drive you home and they can drive you mad ... In Just Like Dad Says, wise and witty words from the likes of Billy Connolly, Jerry Seinfeld, Spike Milligan and Homer Simpson cover everything from the joy of being a new dad to waving kids off as they - finally - leave home. Old and new, laugh-out-loud funny or wickedly dry, Just Like Dad Says is the best ever collection of quotes by and about Dad. 'My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo' Bob Monkhouse 'Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective' P.J. O'Rourke

Are You a Grumpy Old Git? Quiz Book

Are You a Grumpy Old Git? Quiz Book

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Hardback Release Date: 31/05/2018

For decades, experts have been puzzled by what causes many previously happy, carefree young men to become perpetual moaners as soon as they hit middle age. And now they have found it, uncovered the truth behind the Holy Grail of modern medicine: the grumpy gene. To discover whether you (or your loved ones) possess the grumpy gene, this quiz book has been devised to gauge your reaction to hundreds of different situations, from airport scanning machines that never work to parcel delivery men who choose to ignore the address clearly marked on the label and prefer to drop off your parcel at any random house in the vicinity. Points are awarded for each answer and your total score indicates where you rate on the grumpy scale. Wry, funny and wonderfully well observed, this quiz book gives you all the tools you need to test for the grumpy gene - in yourself or in the old git in your life. With questions relating to weather, work, travel, gardening, technology, relationships, family and law and order (to name but a few), no stone is left unturned to find the answer to that eternal question: Are You a Grumpy Old Git?

The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes Over 3,500 modern gems of wit and wisdom from TV, films and stand-up

The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes Over 3,500 modern gems of wit and wisdom from TV, films and stand-up

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 15/11/2017

With over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you're looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you'll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! 'Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka. ' Conan O'Brien 'The only time it's cool to yell, I have diarrhoea! is when you're playing Scrabble.' Zach Galifianakis

The World's 100 Weirdest Sporting Events From Gravy Wrestling in Lancashire to Wife Carrying in Finland

The World's 100 Weirdest Sporting Events From Gravy Wrestling in Lancashire to Wife Carrying in Finland

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Hardback Release Date: 02/11/2017

When we think of the world's great sporting events, we tend to focus on spectacles such as the World Cup, the Olympics, the Derby, the Monaco Grand Prix or the University Boat Race. Yet there is also an alternative world of competition where participants risk life, limb and often dignity for meagre rewards in truly weird sporting pursuits. Step forward the Indonesian sport of sepak bola api, a variation of football in which the barefoot players kick a ball that is on fire; Germany's Mud Olympics, at which competitors play soccer, volleyball and handball while knee-deep in mud; yak racing from Mongolia; Oregon's Pig-N-Ford Races where drivers speed around the track while carrying a live pig under one arm; and Australia's variation of the Boat Race, the Henley-on-Todd Regatta, where, instead of rowing, teams carry their boats along the dry bed of the River Todd. This book lists geographically the world's 100 weirdest sports events, giving full details of their rules and colourful history. They include the grotesque (the national sport of Afghanistan is buzkashi, in which riders on horseback aim to drag the headless carcass of a dead goat towards their opponents' goal), the dangerous (Japanese hardcore wrestlers batter each other with glass fluorescent light tubes instead of their bare hands), and the downright daft in the form of the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships, the World Flounder Tramping Championships, the World Gravy Wrestling Championships and the World Shin-Kicking Championships. Races are staged in all kinds of transportation. Canada is home to the Great Klondike Outhouse Race (for portable toilets), the Vancouver Bathtub Race, and the Windsor Pumpkin Regatta; Colorado hosts the annual Emma Crawford Coffin Races; and the pride of Yorkshire is the Great Knaresborough Bed Race, where teams push a bed (containing human occupant) along a 2.4-mile course that requires a wet crossing of the River Nidd. Animals feature heavily, too. As well as traditional races for ostriches (complete with jockeys), cockroaches (no jockey required), armadillos, sheep, and Oklahoma City's splendid Dachshund Dash, rubber-duck racing is one of the fastest growing sports of recent years with events being held in several countries. Other competitions test an animal's ability to do more than just run or float, such as elephant polo, dog surfing, camel wrestling, rabbit show jumping and pig diving. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that in the near future we may even be treated to synchronized pig diving. Although the plunging porkers might disagree, the appeal of many of these sports is enhanced by taking part. If cheese rolling or volcano boarding are too energetic for your taste, ice golf or underwater hockey too uncomfortable, and lingerie football wouldn't show off your legs to best effect, you could always enjoy more leisurely pursuits like the world championships in rock, paper, scissors or pooh sticks. If, on the other hand, you prefer a watching brief, you could try your hand at cow patty bingo, a North American contest where a field is divided into numbered squares, and contestants bet on which square the cow will take a poop. It is probably the only occasion in life when you can make money from one number two on top of another.

The Little Book of Liverpool FC

The Little Book of Liverpool FC

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Hardback Release Date: 10/08/2017

Revised and updated, in a new format for the 2017-18 season, The Little Book of Liverpool FC celebrates the club's continued success at home and abroad. From Kenny Dalglish, Alan Hansen and Graeme Souness through Michael Owen, Robbie Fowler and Jamie Redknapp to Jamie Carragher, Steven Gerrard, John Henry and coach Jurgen Klopp, few clubs can boast as many people with so much to say for themselves, especially in the case of Bill Shankly, football's most quoted man. Liverpool FC has a proud tradition and a very loyal support, and this book aims to capture the flavour of both with 165 Klopp's quotes.

Royalty's Strangest Tales

Royalty's Strangest Tales

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 13/07/2017

A rollicking collection of stories featuring the craziest, daftest and most outrageous monarchs the world has ever known. Packed with royal stories from 2,000 years of history, from the immortality-obsessed first Emperor of China to our very own master of tact and diplomacy, Prince Philip, this book will leave the reader fascinated, entertained and occasionally appalled. We'll meet all sorts of colourful royal characters, including the Roman Emperor Caligula, who was unspeakably cruel to his subjects but worshipped his horse, Charles VI of France, convinced he was made of glass, and Frederick William I of Prussia, who recruited - and sometimes kidnapped - the tallest men in Europe to form his private army. There are tales of scandal, including secret marriages, illegitimate offspring, royal pickpockets and alleged vampirism, and madness, cross-dressing and pigeon-fancying also crop up! Fully updated with a selection of new stories, this absorbing book is the perfect gift for history fans. Word count: 60,000

Seriously Senior Moments Or, Have You Bought This Book Before?

Seriously Senior Moments Or, Have You Bought This Book Before?

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 06/04/2017

Entertaining and uplifting, this book is a hilarious look at those embarrassing setbacks experienced in one's senior years. From picking up the wrong child from school, to misplacing your car somewhere down your own road, the signs are there that the old memory isn't what it used to be. Containing a wealth of jokes, anecdotes, quips and quotes from like-absent-minded seniors, across a range of funny and undeniably familiar scenarios, this book will have people laughing out loud in shameful recognition that they are, in fact, getting on a bit. So, find your reading glasses (they're on your head) and delve into this side-splitting guide that will help you laugh at those senior moments as well as keep them at bay.

The Senior Moments Activity Book Restore Your Brain to Its Tack-like Sharpness

The Senior Moments Activity Book Restore Your Brain to Its Tack-like Sharpness

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 16/03/2017

Do you call your partner darling because you forgot their real name years ago? Restore your brain to its tack-like sharpness with the exercises in this wickedly funny book. If you refer to your dearest friend as 'Thingy' or have to keep changing your pet's name because you can never remember your online banking password, you need The Senior Moments Activity Book! Packed with questions, tests and exercises against which to pit your wits, the book is divided into sections on a diverse range of subjects - from maths to history, science and nature to the arts, food and drink to geography. Furthermore, each section is tailored to your specific capabilities, whether you think you have more faculties than Harvard or think you might be losing your marbles, or fear you're so far gone that your only future is likely to be an appearance on reality TV. Embrace your senior self and have a good laugh on the way!

100 Plants That Won't Die in Your Garden

100 Plants That Won't Die in Your Garden

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 09/03/2017

Stocking a garden with plants can be an expensive business, so there are few things more frustrating than when the prized specimen for which you have paid a king's ransom either online or at a garden centre shrivels up and dies within a year or so of purchase. If you can prove that the plant was half-dead when it arrived, you may able to obtain a refund from some online retailers, but for the most part you have to put it down to experience and make a firm mental note not to buy fussy plants in future. The problem is that many websites and catalogues claim that everything they stock is easy to grow. Herbaceous perennials are a particular minefield. Too often you are told that a certain plant 'will come back year after year' without fail when in reality it is either so tender that the only chance of it surviving an average British winter is in a greenhouse or it is a short-lived perennial that is unlikely to flourish beyond two years anyway - and even then only if the local slugs and snails are on a diet. This book cuts through the horticultural sales pitches by listing 100 plants which, for little care beyond the essential watering at planting time, can reliably be expected to thrive in just about any garden. These plants are all but indestructible - pests give them a wide berth, they will prosper in any reasonable garden soil and will withstand anything that the UK climate throws at them. Divided into sections for shrubs, conifers, climbers, perennials, grasses, annuals, alpines and bulbs and with each entry having a Value For Money (VFM) rating out of 10, this easy-to-use guide will prove invaluable not only for the new gardener but also for old hands who are fed up with wasting time and money on plants that all too rapidly lose the will to live. With these suggestions, you can be assured of year-round colour and interest in your garden for the minimum of effort.

The World's 100 Weirdest Museums From the Moist Towelette Museum in Michigan to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Zagreb

The World's 100 Weirdest Museums From the Moist Towelette Museum in Michigan to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Zagreb

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 20/10/2016

When we think of the world's great museums, we tend to think of the Louvre, the Guggenheim or the Victoria and Albert. We do not immediately think of the Dog Collar Museum, the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum, the Museum of Broken Relationships or Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum. Yet scattered across the globe are museums dedicated to every conceivable subject, from bananas to Bigfoot, lawnmowers to leprechauns, teapots to tapeworms, mustard to moist towelettes, and pencils to penises. Many are serious collections housed in grand buildings, others are located in tiny premises and are open to visitors by appointment only, often the result of one person's crazy lifetime obsession. This book lists the world's 100 weirdest museums in order of quirkiness, encompassing such delights as The Museum of Witchcraft in Cornwall, a museum in Kentucky that houses 800 ventriloquists' dolls, the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts, the Paris Sewer Museum, the French Fry Museum in Bruges, the Museum of Contraception and Abortion in Vienna, the Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum in Tennessee, Japan's Momofuku Ando Instant Ramen Museum (quite possibly the world's only museum devoted to instant noodles), and the Kunstkamera in St Petersburg, home to Peter the Great's collection of oddities including deformed fetuses and the decapitated head of a love rival preserved in vinegar. After all, what holiday is complete until you have seen a 300-year-old decapitated human head in a jar? Each entry will include address, contact and admission details, so the next time you are in Berlin there is no excuse for missing out on a visit to the Currywurst Museum, the world's leading museum dedicated to sausages in hot ketchup.

Motor Racing's Strangest Races Extraordinary But True Stories from Over a Century of Motor Racing

Motor Racing's Strangest Races Extraordinary But True Stories from Over a Century of Motor Racing

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 09/06/2016

Since 1894, when motor racing's colourful history began with a bang (and a banger!), drivers, racers and lunatics alike have done many stupid and bizarre things all in the name of motor sport. Author Geoff Tibballs has gathered together this absorbing collection of stories from over a century of motor racing around the world, including the Frenchman who drove 25 miles in reverse, the Grand Prix in which the leading drivers were so far ahead that they stopped for a meal in the pits, the Le Mans 24-hour race won by a car patched up with chewing gum, and the driver who drank six bottles of champagne - virtually one per pit-stop - on the way to winning the Indianapolis 500. The stories in this book are bizarre, fascinating, hilarious, and, most importantly, true. Revised, redesigned and updated for a new generation of petrolheads, this book contains enough extraordinary-but-true tales to drive anyone around the bend. Word count: 45,000

The Good, the Bad and the Wurst The 100 Craziest Moments from the Eurovision Song Contest

The Good, the Bad and the Wurst The 100 Craziest Moments from the Eurovision Song Contest

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 12/04/2016

YES, IT'S EUROVISION TIME AGAIN! THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THE EUROVISION FAN IN YOUR LIFE! For 60 years the Eurovision Song Contest has existed in a parallel universe where a song about the construction of a hydro-electric power station is considered cutting-edge pop, where half a dozen warbling Russian grandmothers are considered Saturday night entertainment, where a tune repeating the word 'la' 138 times is considered a winner, and where Australia is considered part of Europe During those sixty years we have witnessed scandals: in 1957, Denmark's Birthe Wilke and Gustav Winckler enjoyed an outrageously long 13-second kiss because the stage manager forgot to say 'cut' during the live broadcast. We have witnessed national outrage: the 1976 Greek entry was a savage indictment of Turkish foreign policy in Cyprus. But most have all we have witnessed silly costumes, terrible lyrics and performers as diverse as Celine Dion and Dustin the Turkey. This book chronicles the 100 craziest moments in the history of Eurovision - the drag acts, the bad acts, the nul points heroes and the night in Luxembourg when the floor manager warned the audience not to stand up while they applauded because they might be shot by security forces. It captures some of the magic from this yearly event that continues to beguile and bemuse in equal measure.

The Book of Senior Jokes The Ones You Can Remember

The Book of Senior Jokes The Ones You Can Remember

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback Release Date: 02/12/2015

Ageing is one of those unavoidable facts of life, and what more can you do about it than laugh (admittedly, slightly defensively)? Just why fading physical and mental faculties should be so funny is something of a mystery, but they are and with The Book of Senior Jokes you can laugh off your forgetfulness, fading physique and new penchant for the afternoon nap. This book - and do, please, try to remember to pay for it - is a collection of the very best 'senior' jokes, putting them down between hard covers where even you can't forget them. The Book of Senior Jokes is the perfect present for anyone feeling their age, no matter how old they may be, that will help them celebrate all that is positive - and positively hilarious - about growing older.

Crap Kitchen Boiled gannet, calf-brain custard and other 'acquired tastes'

Crap Kitchen Boiled gannet, calf-brain custard and other 'acquired tastes'

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 19/11/2015

The worst cookbook ever, packed with truly bizarre and utterly disgusting recipes from all over the world Ever since humankind produced its first foodie, the culinary world has dished up some staggering confections which could best be described as 'acquired tastes': dishes such as Virgin Boy Eggs (eggs soaked in the urine of prepubescent boys); live octopus, which clutches at the diner's tongue and throat as it is swallowed; and Beard Beer, made from the yeast found in facial hair. In northern Greenland, the Inuit are fond of cramming as many as 500 dead auks (small sea birds) into an old seal skin which they place under a large rock until the birds have fermented into what has rightly been described as a 'sticky, pungent, toxic, cheesy gloop'. Kiviak, as it is called, is eaten by biting off the birds' heads and sucking out the juices. The mighty Roman Empire was built on such delicacies as larks' tongues, stuffed thrush, boiled flamingo and grilled cow's womb, while the Tudors loved nothing more than a roast cockenthrice: the head and upper body of a pig carefully stitched onto the lower body and legs of a turkey. Today, for those with an adventurous mindset and a robust life insurance policy, there is no shortage of nauseating local delicacies to enjoy. In China, not only is tuna eyeball on the menu, but also yak penis (served whole). In Vietnam, one can enjoy the still-beating heart of a freshly-killed snake; in Iceland, raw puffin heart. In the Philippines, there is duck embryo to be had - like a Kinder Surprise . . . only containing a dead foetus instead of a toy. In Sardinia, they like nothing more than a nice bit of maggot-infested cheese; and the favourite tipple of Korean foodies is Ttongsul, a wine made from the fermented faeces of a child. Bon appetit!

The Mammoth Book of More Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes

The Mammoth Book of More Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 19/09/2013

Funny, fearless and absolutely filthy-nearly 3,000 more uncensored, dirty, sick, and deeply politically incorrect jokes, covering just about every topic imaginable, from adultery to (sex in) Zoos, including an assortment of bad taste lists. A worthy, all-new follow-on to the first bestselling volume.

Little Book of Liverpool FC

Little Book of Liverpool FC

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 11/04/2013

Liverpool's place in English football's hierarchy is recognised around the world and almost every high-profile star on the move gets linked with the Anfield club. Under manager Brendan Rodgers, Liverpool remain the benchmark for success at home and abroad. Title No. 19 remains the Holy Grail, but cup success is a common theme, including the record-setting eighth League Cup success in 2012. No British club is close to matching Liverpool's eight cup victories in Europe and they came within inches of achieving another eight-timer, this time in the FA Cup two months later. From Alan Hansen and Graeme Souness through Michael Owen, Robbie Fowler and Jamie Redknapp to Jamie Carragher and Steven Gerrard, few clubs can boast as many people with so much to say for themselves, especially in the case of ex-manager Bill Shankly, football's most quoted man. Liverpool have a proud tradition and a very loyal support, and this book aims to capture the flavour of both.

The Olympics' Strangest Moments Over A Century of the Modern Olympics

The Olympics' Strangest Moments Over A Century of the Modern Olympics

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 05/01/2012

The Olympics' Strangest Moments recounts the bizarre, controversial, inept, heroic and plain unlucky from the first modern games in 1896 to the return of the games to their birthplace in Athens in 2004 and up to the Beijing 2008 games. The world's greatest sporting occasion has been packed with unusual occurrences as well as creating unlikely heroes such as Dorando Pietri, who missed out on marathon gold after being helped over the finish line by over-anxious officials, and ''Eric the Eel'' from Equatorial Guinea who was acknowledged as the slowest swimmer in the history of the games.

The Mammoth Book of Weird News

The Mammoth Book of Weird News

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 03/11/2011

A humorous collection of hundreds of funny news stories, whacky phenomena, and hilarious blunders and gaffes from around the world, such as: the woman who smuggled 75 live snakes in her bra; the man who held a funeral for his amputated foot; the radioactive cat which got mistaken for a bomb; the human tongue that got served up in a hospital; the X-ray that revealed E.T.'s face in a duck; the youth who woke to find a bullet in his tongue; the tortoise that set a house on fire; and many more.

Ultimate Book of Insults

Ultimate Book of Insults

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: eBook Release Date: 18/08/2011

A brilliant collection of insults and sharp retorts for every situation. Includes studied insults, wry putdowns, literary, political, and dramatic rebukes, playground insults, barbs and jibes. The perfect resource for responding to life's slings and arrows with humour and satisfying venom.

The Grumpy Old Git's Guide to Life

The Grumpy Old Git's Guide to Life

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Hardback Release Date: 02/06/2011

'You'll laugh out loud and take delight in the gripes of the moaners out there' - The Sun From Bob Geldof to Winston Churchill, Jeremy Clarkson to Victor Meldrew, the world has always produced its share of grumpy, moody, pessimistic and world-weary types. We all know one! They like to groan and grumble, offering their own commentary on the shortcomings of modern life. Whether it is queues at the supermarket, the state of the health system, the price of a pint these days, the hairstyles of teenagers, or the number of Maltesers you actually get in a bag, there is always something that will get their goat. The Grumpy Old Git's Guide to Life is a hilarious celebration of all these grumps, how to identify one, what exactly they find so irritating and why we find their rants quite so amusing.

Crazy Sh*t Old People Say

Crazy Sh*t Old People Say

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 26/05/2011

With old age comes grey hair, dodgy knees, a sudden passion for re-runs of Murder, She Wrote, and an apparent God-given licence to speak one's mind and be generally offensive without fear of retribution. Under the guise of passing on the benefits of their experience to family members or just casual acquaintances, old people exercise their right to swear, cuss and insult as they please. These feisty philosophers take no prisoners as they use their scalpel-like tongues to dissect modern life and the younger generations. If challenged over their outrageous comments, they'll play the age card: you know the sort of thing - 'I'm eighty-six, I've fought for my country, and if I want to call you a no-good, lowdown, useless fuckwit, then I'll call you a no-good, lowdown, useless fuckwit, Vicar.' Other gems include: It bugs me when people say, 'Life is short.' What the hell does it mean? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does! Are they going to do something that's longer? Son, if it's got tits or tyres, you're gonna have trouble with it. We all have our disappointments in life, son, and I'm talking to mine right now. The only way in which life resembles a bed of roses is that you encounter a lot of pricks along the way. Sure I'm surprised you can't get a job, son. I heard the world was crying out for someone who is lazy, has no qualifications but can spit gum into a waste paper basket from ten feet. Don't you think you might stand a better chance of becoming a captain of industry if you got rid of some of that metal shit on your body - like the nose stud and the eyebrow rings? Donald Trump may have a crap haircut but I bet he doesn't have pierced fucking nipples. Son, if life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. The secret of a happy life is to run out of cash and air at exactly the same time.

The Mammoth Book of Really Silly Jokes Humour for the whole family

The Mammoth Book of Really Silly Jokes Humour for the whole family

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 20/11/2009

The biggest and best collection of jokes for all the family to enjoy. 8,000 rib-ticklers, covering every subject under the sun from Aardvarks to Zombies, including chicken jokes, doctor-doctor jokes, elephant jokes, horror jokes, knock-knock jokes, excruciating puns, riddles, school jokes, sports jokes and waiter jokes. Most of the jokes are sharp one-liners but there is also a scattering of slightly longer stories.

The Book of Senior Jokes The Ones You Can Remember

The Book of Senior Jokes The Ones You Can Remember

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Hardback Release Date: 01/10/2009

Ageing is one of those unavoidable facts of life, and what more can you do about it than laugh (admittedly, slightly defensively)? Just why fading physical and mental faculties should be so funny is something of a mystery, but they are and with The Book of Senior Jokes you can laugh off your forgetfulness, fading physique and new penchant for the afternoon nap. This book - and do, please, try to remember to pay for it - is a collection of the very best 'senior' jokes, putting them down between hard covers where even you can't forget them. The Book of Senior Jokes is the perfect present for anyone feeling their age, no matter how old they may be, that will help them celebrate all that is positive - and positively hilarious - about growing older.

Two Nuns In A Bath

Two Nuns In A Bath

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 01/10/2009

A brand-new, fantastic, enormous collection of 5,000 jokes, gags and one-liners - indexed and categorised to help with finding the right joke for any occasion or audience, from Bar-Mitzvahs to bar-rooms. Two Nuns in a Bath is the consummate collection, with jokes on every subject under the sun, from lawyers to low-energy light bulbs. Two nuns are sitting in a bath. One says Where's the soap? The other replies It does rather doesn't it? A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. I charge $50 for three questions, the lawyer says. That's awfully steep, isn't it? the guy asks. Yes, the lawyer replies, Now what's your final question?

Just Like Dad Says A Book of Dad's Wit

Just Like Dad Says A Book of Dad's Wit

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Hardback Release Date: 27/05/2009

'I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood' Homer Simpson Fathers come in many guises - wise or silly, strict or kind. They can make you laugh and they can make you cringe. They can drive you home and they can drive you mad ... In Just Like Dad Says, wise and witty words from the likes of Billy Connolly, Jerry Seinfeld, Spike Milligan and Homer Simpson cover everything from the joy of being a new dad to waving kids off as they - finally - leave home. Old and new, laugh-out-loud funny or wickedly dry, Just Like Dad Says is the best ever collection of quotes by and about Dad. 'My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo' Bob Monkhouse 'Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective' P.J. O'Rourke

The Ultimate Cockney Geezer's Guide to Rhyming Slang

The Ultimate Cockney Geezer's Guide to Rhyming Slang

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 04/09/2008

Would you Adam and Eve it? Over a hundred years after it was first heard on the streets of Ye Olde London Towne, Cockney rhyming slang is still going strong, and this book contains the most comprehensive and entertaining guide yet. Presented in an easy-to-read A to Z format, it explains the meaning of hundreds of terms, from old favourites such as apples and pears (stairs) and plates of meat (feet) to the more obscure band of hope (soap) and cuts and scratches (matches) through to modern classics such as Anthea Turner (earner) and Ashley Cole (own goal), as well as providing fascinating background info and curious Cockney facts throughout. Also included are a series of language tests so that readers can brush up on their newfound knowledge on their way to becoming a true Cockney Geezer. All in all, The Ultimate Cockney Geezer's Guide to Rhyming Slang is well worth your bread and honey to have a butcher's.

The Mammoth Book of Insults

The Mammoth Book of Insults

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 15/11/2007

Never be stuck for a wicked line again! - the ultimate collection of insults Here is the biggest and best ever collection of insults and sharp retorts for when you just wish you could have thought of something faster. Editor Geoff Tibballs presents over 5000 come-backs, put-downs, snaps, insults, unadmiring quips and quotes, for every occasion. From the most elegant of studied insults to the wickedest of putdowns, from the language of the street to the literary, political, and entertainment worlds, from playground insults to sports, family and marriage jibes - here is every possible barb you could ever need, guaranteed to crack up all those around you. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Your mother's so fat, she has her own area code. Are your parents siblings? Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. Is there no beginning to your talents? You'd be out of your depth in a puddle. Don't you need a licence to be that ugly? I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my arse. I'd love to go out with you but I have to worm my dog.

The Bowler's Holding, the Batsman's Willey The Greatest Collection of Humorous Sporting Quotations Ever!

The Bowler's Holding, the Batsman's Willey The Greatest Collection of Humorous Sporting Quotations Ever!

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 07/06/2007

'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces' - Ron Atkinson 'Rugby is a good occasion for keeping thirty bullies far from the city centre' - Oscar Wilde Whether over the moon or sick as a parrot, sportsmen and women can invariably be relied upon to come out with a humorous quote...even if it's not always intentional. The Bowler's Holding, The Batsman's Willey provides the definitive collection of sporting wit, from participants and observers alike. The book covers the full gamut of the sports spectrum and provides over 4,000 side-splittingly funny quotes - some examples of incisive sporting wit, others inadvertent howlers never to be forgotten; ranging from the cutting remarks of Brian Clough and Muhammad Ali to the studied observations of John Arlott and the hilarious gaffes of Murray Walker. The Bowler's Holding, The Batsman's Willey is an absolute must for any sports fan.

The Mammoth Book of One-Liners

The Mammoth Book of One-Liners

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 20/12/2006

A collection of 10,000 side-splitting one-line jokes arranged in categories from bestselling humour editor Geoff Tibballs. 'Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.' 'Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.' 'I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents. It was on a note, in my room.'

The Mammoth Book of Jokes New edn

The Mammoth Book of Jokes New edn

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 19/10/2006

Quite simply, the greatest compendium of humour ever written! Even bigger and better than ever, The Mammoth Book of Jokes is the ultimate joke book - now revised and expanded to over 7500 entries. This endlessly entertaining collection covers everything you could ever think of, from Birthdays and Dogs to Mothers-in- Law and War. Plus epigrams, limericks, misprints and howlers, shaggy dog stories, politically incorrect jokes, toasts, pick-up lines and put-downs .... Extra new material for this bumper edition includes favourite celebrity jokes - specially chosen by the likes of Bill Clinton, Gordon Ramsay, Dustin Hoffman and Tony Blair - as well as no fewer than 2000 brand new jokes.

The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes

The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 13/10/2005

The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes is the ultimate collection of X-rated and decidedly politically incorrect jokes - an indispensable guide to the funny, the fearless and the filthy. Be warned, the contents of this spanking new bumper book are not for the faint-hearted. Even a blonde would blush ...if she got any of them.

Royalty's Strangest Characters

Royalty's Strangest Characters

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 24/03/2005

Recounting over 2,000 years of daft despots, raving rulers and potty potentates, this unique look at the world's craziest kings and queens will leave you shocked, amazed - and often in fits of laughter. From the madness of ancient Rome, exemplified by the Emperor Caligula who wanted to appoint his horse to the consulate, we go on to meet Charles VI of France, convinced he was made of glass, Queen Juana of Spain, never separated from her late husband's coffin, and King Otto of Bavaria, who tried to ward off hereditary insanity by shooting a peasant a day. Throughout history, royalty and scandal have gone hand-in-hand like a Prince of Wales and his mistress - witness the pocket-picking Farouk I of Egypt, Augustus II of Poland, who fathered an estimated 355 children, only one of whom was legitimate, and, more recently, Britain's master of tact and diplomacy, Prince Philip. From kleptomania and incest to transvestism and even pigeon fancying, all these and many more colourful characters can be found in this revealing trawl of the world's royal families.

The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes

The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 23/09/2004

With over 10,000 entries, arranged by topic and fully indexed, here is a giant new collection of witticisms and wisecracks for the 21st century. If you're looking for a bon mot for an after-dinner talk, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this fabulous fat book provides all you'll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Woody Allen, Dave Barry, P. J. O'Rourke, Winston Churchill, Will Rogers, Jay Leno, P. G. Wodehouse, Bill Cosby, W. C. Fields, Oscar Wilde, Spike Milligan, Groucho Marx, George Bernard Shaw and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! 'Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.' P. J. O'Rourke 'I'm sure sex wouldn't be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex isn't good, but the World Cup is every four years and sex is not.' Ronaldo

The Olympics' Strangest Games Extraordinary But True Tales from the History of the Olympic Games

The Olympics' Strangest Games Extraordinary But True Tales from the History of the Olympic Games

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 01/04/2004

To mark the 2004 Olympics in Athens, The Olympics' Strangest Moments recounts the bizarre, controversial, inept, heroic and plain unlucky from the first modern games in 1896 to the glorles of Sydney 2000. The world's greatest sporting occasion has been packed with unusual occurrences as well as creating unlikely heroes such as Dorando Pietri, who missed out on marathon gold after being helped over the finish line by over-anxious officials, and 'Eric the Eel' from Equatorial Guinea who was acknowledged as the slowest swimmer in the history of the games. This fascinating collection includes such unusual and entertalning stories as the Italian Carlo Airoldi who spent nearly two months travelling from Milan to Athens on foot and by boat only for his Olympic entry to be refused and Fred Lorz who crossed the line first at the end of the 1904 marathon but was disqualified after it was discovered that he had hitched a lift in a car.

Motor Racing's Strangest Races Extraordinary But True Stories from Over a Century of Motor Racing

Motor Racing's Strangest Races Extraordinary But True Stories from Over a Century of Motor Racing

Author: Geoff Tibballs Format: Paperback / softback Release Date: 06/09/2001

In 1894, when the motley assortment of steam and petrol-powered vehicles lined up at the start of the trial from Paris to Rouen, motor-racing's colourful history was launched. Many of the pioneering events were death-defying, trans-continental marathons, in which the competitors were obliged to negotiate basic dirt tracks, muddy bogs, fast-flowing rivers, over-zealous policemen and a seemingly ednless supply of stray dogs. Barely contained in this new hardback edition are 80+ bizarre, brilliant and bonkers stories from over a century of motor racing. They include the Frenchman who drove 25 miles in reverse; the Grand Prix where the leading drivers were so far ahead that they stopped for a meal in the pits; the Le Mans 24-hour race won by a car patched up with chewing gum; and the driver who drunk six bottles of champagne on the way to winning the Indianapolis 500. Word count: 45,000

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