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Geoff Tibballs is the author of the bestselling Mammoth Book of Jokes and The Mammoth Book of Dirty Jokes as well as many other books including Business Blunders and Legal Blunders. A former journalist and press officer, he is now a full-time writer who lists his hobbies as sport, eating, drinking, and avoiding housework. He lives in Nottingham, England, with his wife and daughters.
What is it about the term `wellness' that sets your teeth on edge? Do you really need someone to come in and help you declutter? Can you truly practice mindful meditation on the train to work every morning? If the answer to all these questions is a resounding `no', then take heart, you're not alone. What is life without struggle? Everyone knows it's impossible to float through life on a fluffy pillow of happiness; it just isn't like that. As Alan Coren once said, `To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.' Hear hear! This book is for those who look at life from a different angle, not wearing rose-tinted glasses with their glass half full, but for life's realists: the folk who believe one should never go to bed angry ... much better to stay awake and plot your revenge. In New Year, Same You you'll find lots of laugh-out-loud humour to brighten your day (or not). Filled with words from the wise, this is the perfect book for grumps everywhere, after all, why make one person unhappy when, with a little more thought and effort, you could spread misery to the entire family?
Ever since Mrs Malaprop first took to the stage in 1775 and described a gentleman as 'the very pineapple of politeness', some famous figures have become better known for their slips of the tongue than for anything they said intentionally. In particular, the careers of a number of broadcasters, sporting figures and politicians have become defined by their verbal blunders. Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle is remembered solely for making unfortunate remarks such as 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.' Welsh naturalist Iolo Williams sent Twitter into meltdown when, discussing diving sea birds on Springwatch 2016, he asked a female conservationist: 'Is that the deepest shag you've ever had?' Even respected sports broadcaster Harry Carpenter was probably haunted forever by his seemingly innocent comment at the end of the 1977 Boat Race: 'Ah, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.' I Wish I Hadn't Said That is a collection of over 3,000 spoken and written blunders - including unintentional double entendres, spoonerisms, mixed metaphors, malapropisms, jaw-dropping remarks, misguided quiz show answers, embarrassing newspaper misprints, and foreign signs and notices that have sadly become lost in translation.
If there is one other paper-based product you will want to keep close at hand in the loo it is Brain Dump. Discover thousands of fun facts and stats, quirky lists, trivia and other things you need to know in the time it takes you to do a poo. Guaranteed to boost your brain while the rest of your body is otherwise occupied, this bumper compendium covers every subject from football to phobias, mountains to the Muppets and spiders to Shakespeare. It features hundreds of mind-blowing entries including Famous Haemorrhoid Sufferers, People Who Narrowly Missed Boarding The Titanic, Types of Cloud, Dentists in Films, Longest Song Titles, Awesome Australian Slang Words, and Fascinating Facts About Sheep. Printed on soft absorbent paper for emergencies.
The classic pocket guide to the language of London. This wonderful little guide to cockney rhyming slang contains over 1,700 old and new rhymes translated from Cockney to English and English to Cockney, including: Custard and jelly - telly Hot cross bun - nun Lemon tart - smart Rock 'n' roll - dole Sticky toffee - coffee ...and many more. Master the art of the Cockney rhyme and discover the Cockney origins of common British phrases.
The Wicked Wit of England is celebration of British humour, featuring a collection of stories, anecdotes, quips and quotes that capture the various idiosyncrasies of the English character. If there is one thing that first-time visitors to England find mystifying - along with our fondness for eating chips out of old newspapers, our nostalgia for the shipping forecast (even though most of us have never ventured out to sea in a trawler) and the fact that not all men wear bowler hats to work - it is our sense of humour. `Ah, you English and your humour,' they will say, with an air of suspicion, unsure as to whether they have just been unexpectedly praised or routinely insulted. It is easy to sympathize with them, for English humour encompasses a number of different styles. It can be surreal or satirical, dark or sophisticated, bawdy or genteel. And nobody does irony or sarcasm like the English. If Olympic gold medals were awarded for sarcasm, we would top the leader board every time. The various idiosyncrasies of the English character - the social awkwardness, the constant need to apologize, the obsession with the weather, the stiff upper lip, and the love of queuing, to name but a few - are celebrated in The Wicked Wit of England, a collection of stories, anecdotes, quips and quotes featuring English people from all walks of life, from Quentin Crisp to Frank Skinner and Stephen Hawking to Thora Hird. This book might not help outsiders understand the English, but it might make them tolerate us a little more.
'I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood' - Homer Simpson Fathers come in many guises - wise or silly, strict or kind. They can make you laugh and they can make you cringe. They can drive you home and they can drive you mad ... In Just Like Dad Says, wise and witty words from the likes of Billy Connolly, Jerry Seinfeld, Spike Milligan and Homer Simpson cover everything from the joy of being a new dad to waving kids off as they - finally - leave home. Old and new, laugh-out-loud funny or wickedly dry, Just Like Dad Says is the best ever collection of quotes by and about Dad. 'My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo' - Bob Monkhouse 'Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective' - P.J. O'Rourke
For decades, experts have been puzzled by what causes many previously happy, carefree young men to become perpetual moaners as soon as they hit middle age. And now they have found it, uncovered the truth behind the Holy Grail of modern medicine: the grumpy gene. To discover whether you (or your loved ones) possess the grumpy gene, this quiz book has been devised to gauge your reaction to hundreds of different situations, from airport scanning machines that never work to parcel delivery men who choose to ignore the address clearly marked on the label and prefer to drop off your parcel at any random house in the vicinity. Points are awarded for each answer and your total score indicates where you rate on the grumpy scale. Wry, funny and wonderfully well observed, this quiz book gives you all the tools you need to test for the grumpy gene - in yourself or in the old git in your life. With questions relating to weather, work, travel, gardening, technology, relationships, family and law and order (to name but a few), no stone is left unturned to find the answer to that eternal question: Are You a Grumpy Old Git?
Never be stuck for a wicked line again! - the ultimate collection of insults Here is the biggest and best ever collection of insults and sharp retorts for when you just wish you could have thought of something faster. Editor Geoff Tibballs presents over 5000 come-backs, put-downs, snaps, insults, unadmiring quips and quotes, for every occasion. From the most elegant of studied insults to the wickedest of putdowns, from the language of the street to the literary, political, and entertainment worlds, from playground insults to sports, family and marriage jibes - here is every possible barb you could ever need, guaranteed to crack up all those around you. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Your mother's so fat, she has her own area code. Are your parents siblings? Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. Is there no beginning to your talents? You'd be out of your depth in a puddle. Don't you need a licence to be that ugly? I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my arse. I'd love to go out with you but I have to worm my dog.
With over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you're looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you'll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! 'Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka. ' Conan O'Brien 'The only time it's cool to yell, I have diarrhoea! is when you're playing Scrabble.' Zach Galifianakis
When we think of the world's great sporting events, we tend to focus on spectacles such as the World Cup, the Olympics, the Derby, the Monaco Grand Prix or the University Boat Race. Yet there is also an alternative world of competition where participants risk life, limb and often dignity for meagre rewards in truly weird sporting pursuits. Step forward the Indonesian sport of sepak bola api, a variation of football in which the barefoot players kick a ball that is on fire; Germany's Mud Olympics, at which competitors play soccer, volleyball and handball while knee-deep in mud; yak racing from Mongolia; Oregon's Pig-N-Ford Races where drivers speed around the track while carrying a live pig under one arm; and Australia's variation of the Boat Race, the Henley-on-Todd Regatta, where, instead of rowing, teams carry their boats along the dry bed of the River Todd. This book lists geographically the world's 100 weirdest sports events, giving full details of their rules and colourful history. They include the grotesque (the national sport of Afghanistan is buzkashi, in which riders on horseback aim to drag the headless carcass of a dead goat towards their opponents' goal), the dangerous (Japanese hardcore wrestlers batter each other with glass fluorescent light tubes instead of their bare hands), and the downright daft in the form of the World Black Pudding Throwing Championships, the World Flounder Tramping Championships, the World Gravy Wrestling Championships and the World Shin-Kicking Championships. Races are staged in all kinds of transportation. Canada is home to the Great Klondike Outhouse Race (for portable toilets), the Vancouver Bathtub Race, and the Windsor Pumpkin Regatta; Colorado hosts the annual Emma Crawford Coffin Races; and the pride of Yorkshire is the Great Knaresborough Bed Race, where teams push a bed (containing human occupant) along a 2.4-mile course that requires a wet crossing of the River Nidd. Animals feature heavily, too. As well as traditional races for ostriches (complete with jockeys), cockroaches (no jockey required), armadillos, sheep, and Oklahoma City's splendid Dachshund Dash, rubber-duck racing is one of the fastest growing sports of recent years with events being held in several countries. Other competitions test an animal's ability to do more than just run or float, such as elephant polo, dog surfing, camel wrestling, rabbit show jumping and pig diving. It is not beyond the realms of possibility that in the near future we may even be treated to synchronized pig diving. Although the plunging porkers might disagree, the appeal of many of these sports is enhanced by taking part. If cheese rolling or volcano boarding are too energetic for your taste, ice golf or underwater hockey too uncomfortable, and lingerie football wouldn't show off your legs to best effect, you could always enjoy more leisurely pursuits like the world championships in rock, paper, scissors or pooh sticks. If, on the other hand, you prefer a watching brief, you could try your hand at cow patty bingo, a North American contest where a field is divided into numbered squares, and contestants bet on which square the cow will take a poop. It is probably the only occasion in life when you can make money from one number two on top of another.
Revised and updated, in a new format for the 2017-18 season, The Little Book of Liverpool FC celebrates the club's continued success at home and abroad. From Kenny Dalglish, Alan Hansen and Graeme Souness through Michael Owen, Robbie Fowler and Jamie Redknapp to Jamie Carragher, Steven Gerrard, John Henry and coach Jurgen Klopp, few clubs can boast as many people with so much to say for themselves, especially in the case of Bill Shankly, football's most quoted man. Liverpool FC has a proud tradition and a very loyal support, and this book aims to capture the flavour of both with 165 Klopp's quotes.
A rollicking collection of stories featuring the craziest, daftest and most outrageous monarchs the world has ever known. Packed with royal stories from 2,000 years of history, from the immortality-obsessed first Emperor of China to our very own master of tact and diplomacy, Prince Philip, this book will leave the reader fascinated, entertained and occasionally appalled. We'll meet all sorts of colourful royal characters, including the Roman Emperor Caligula, who was unspeakably cruel to his subjects but worshipped his horse, Charles VI of France, convinced he was made of glass, and Frederick William I of Prussia, who recruited - and sometimes kidnapped - the tallest men in Europe to form his private army. There are tales of scandal, including secret marriages, illegitimate offspring, royal pickpockets and alleged vampirism, and madness, cross-dressing and pigeon-fancying also crop up! Fully updated with a selection of new stories, this absorbing book is the perfect gift for history fans. Word count: 60,000
Entertaining and uplifting, this book is a hilarious look at those embarrassing setbacks experienced in one's senior years. From picking up the wrong child from school, to misplacing your car somewhere down your own road, the signs are there that the old memory isn't what it used to be. Containing a wealth of jokes, anecdotes, quips and quotes from like-absent-minded seniors, across a range of funny and undeniably familiar scenarios, this book will have people laughing out loud in shameful recognition that they are, in fact, getting on a bit. So, find your reading glasses (they're on your head) and delve into this side-splitting guide that will help you laugh at those senior moments as well as keep them at bay.
Do you call your partner darling because you forgot their real name years ago? Restore your brain to its tack-like sharpness with the exercises in this wickedly funny book. If you refer to your dearest friend as 'Thingy' or have to keep changing your pet's name because you can never remember your online banking password, you need The Senior Moments Activity Book! Packed with questions, tests and exercises against which to pit your wits, the book is divided into sections on a diverse range of subjects - from maths to history, science and nature to the arts, food and drink to geography. Furthermore, each section is tailored to your specific capabilities, whether you think you have more faculties than Harvard or think you might be losing your marbles, or fear you're so far gone that your only future is likely to be an appearance on reality TV. Embrace your senior self and have a good laugh on the way!
Stocking a garden with plants can be an expensive business, so there are few things more frustrating than when the prized specimen for which you have paid a king's ransom either online or at a garden centre shrivels up and dies within a year or so of purchase. If you can prove that the plant was half-dead when it arrived, you may able to obtain a refund from some online retailers, but for the most part you have to put it down to experience and make a firm mental note not to buy fussy plants in future. The problem is that many websites and catalogues claim that everything they stock is easy to grow. Herbaceous perennials are a particular minefield. Too often you are told that a certain plant 'will come back year after year' without fail when in reality it is either so tender that the only chance of it surviving an average British winter is in a greenhouse or it is a short-lived perennial that is unlikely to flourish beyond two years anyway - and even then only if the local slugs and snails are on a diet. This book cuts through the horticultural sales pitches by listing 100 plants which, for little care beyond the essential watering at planting time, can reliably be expected to thrive in just about any garden. These plants are all but indestructible - pests give them a wide berth, they will prosper in any reasonable garden soil and will withstand anything that the UK climate throws at them. Divided into sections for shrubs, conifers, climbers, perennials, grasses, annuals, alpines and bulbs and with each entry having a Value For Money (VFM) rating out of 10, this easy-to-use guide will prove invaluable not only for the new gardener but also for old hands who are fed up with wasting time and money on plants that all too rapidly lose the will to live. With these suggestions, you can be assured of year-round colour and interest in your garden for the minimum of effort.
When we think of the world's great museums, we tend to think of the Louvre, the Guggenheim or the Victoria and Albert. We do not immediately think of the Dog Collar Museum, the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum, the Museum of Broken Relationships or Barney Smith's Toilet Seat Art Museum. Yet scattered across the globe are museums dedicated to every conceivable subject, from bananas to Bigfoot, lawnmowers to leprechauns, teapots to tapeworms, mustard to moist towelettes, and pencils to penises. Many are serious collections housed in grand buildings, others are located in tiny premises and are open to visitors by appointment only, often the result of one person's crazy lifetime obsession. This book lists the world's 100 weirdest museums in order of quirkiness, encompassing such delights as The Museum of Witchcraft in Cornwall, a museum in Kentucky that houses 800 ventriloquists' dolls, the Museum of Bad Art in Massachusetts, the Paris Sewer Museum, the French Fry Museum in Bruges, the Museum of Contraception and Abortion in Vienna, the Salt and Pepper Shaker Museum in Tennessee, Japan's Momofuku Ando Instant Ramen Museum (quite possibly the world's only museum devoted to instant noodles), and the Kunstkamera in St Petersburg, home to Peter the Great's collection of oddities including deformed fetuses and the decapitated head of a love rival preserved in vinegar. After all, what holiday is complete until you have seen a 300-year-old decapitated human head in a jar? Each entry will include address, contact and admission details, so the next time you are in Berlin there is no excuse for missing out on a visit to the Currywurst Museum, the world's leading museum dedicated to sausages in hot ketchup.