"The great news is that I found my sanity. It was laying next to my midlife crisis. The bad news… To be old and wise, one must first be young and stupid. I’m batting five hundred in stupid department at the moment.
A wedding, a death and a kidnapping. That’s what I’m dealing with.
The future of the Immortal world is in peril and we’re going to fix it come hell or high water. Not a of a choice since it involves our daughter.
With a foul mouthed, toothpick chewing nutbag as my co-pilot, and the love of my life riding shot gun, we mean business and we’re not taking no for an answer.
This time I’m passing on the extra slice of crazy to go with my midlife crisis. I’m in for the whole dang pie."
"Welcome to my midlife. It’s a hot mess. It’s complicated. It’s hilarious. And, if I’m not careful, it’s going to kill me.
The entity in charge of everything—and I mean everything—has lost Its ever-loving mind, and it’s up to me and my nearest and dearest to fix it. This deity is dangerous and out for blood—my daughter’s included.
So, we’re going after it before it comes after us. I’ve called in the troops, and we’re ready to rumble.
My ride-or-die?
Hotter-than-Hades Grim Reaper. Check.
The three people who can potentially defeat the Higher Power?
Daughter who’s six months old but looks twenty. Check.
A human-ish best friend with too much Botox. Check.
Eight-inch magical cannibal. Unfortunately, check.
What could go wrong? I refuse to answer that question. So far, I’ve had a chaotic yet wonderful midlife, thanks to a fair amount of luck. But with end of existence is at stake, it’s going to take more than a semi-charmed kind of life to win.
I’d really like to live the rest of my midlife in peace… not pieces."
"Being a forty-year-old former child star who finds out she’s an immortal Demon Goddess comes with challenges.
Huge Challenges.
One might think fighting the bad guy and coming out on top would earn me a vacation… One would be wrong. I’d stirred up a hornet’s nest that could end existence as we know it. Not my best move.
I know more about acting than Goddess-ing, but that won’t stop me. I’m about to assume the character and plow though the script to the very end even though I’m wildly underrehearsed and more adept at sitcoms than action movies with real life consequences.
Too bad, so sad.
With the love of my Immortal life by my side, a bunch of friends, and one cranky frenemy, we’re going to rewrite the plot and switch up the movie from a horror story to a happily ever after… Or, we’re going to die trying.
Stay tuned for the epic finale. It’s going to be a doozy."
"I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again…
Whoever said life begins at forty must have been heavily medicated, drunk, or delusional.
Three funerals without the deceased present? Crisis.
One wedding run by drag queens with questionable taste in music? Semi-crisis, but doable.
Dead showing up on my porch who have already crossed over? Colossal sh*tshow.
This is what forty looks like for me. But now I have an even bigger problem. The Higher Power wants my daughter. It’s not happening. Period.
With the love of my Immortal life by my side, along with the profane Keeper of Fate, a gaggle of mostly-intact ghosts, and a few former enemies I’m going to end the madness once and for all. Hopefully, I don’t die trying.
Midlife’s a journey. Enjoy the ride. The crisis is definitely included.
However, anything, and I mean, anything, is possible as long as I believe.
Oh, and wine helps too."
"What does a forty-year-old former child star do when she finds out she’s an immortal Demon Goddess and that she’s pissed off the wrong entity?
A sitcom starring Demons and munchkins, of course.
Is reality weirder than fiction?
Yes. Yes it is.
I just lived through a dream state mash-up of The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Wonderland, and Survivor. You’d think I’d catch a break. You would be incorrect.
After successfully evicting my mortal enemy—now frenemy—who was squatting in my head, and making friends with fanged munchkins who bare uncanny resemblances to Hollywood A-listers, I now have a new enemy—a really powerful and vengeful enemy.
Fine. Being an actress my entire life has blessed me with thick skin, an excellent bull-crap meter and the gift of being somewhat adept at improv. With my skills as an actress, my new Demon Club Card, and the love of my immortal life by my side, I’m prepared to show my enemy who’s the boss… and it’s not Tony Danza."
"An unemployed actress turned Demon Goddess ends up with another Goddess treating her brain like a vacation rental. Sounds like a log line from a crappy B-Movie, right? Well, unfortunately, this horror flick is reality TV at its most dramatic.
Welcome to B*tch Goddess Cecily’s World.
Lights. Camera. Action!
The show must go on … even if it takes a U-turn into Hell. I have too much to lose if Pandora wins. With the love of my demonic life by my side, along with the profane, toothpick-loving Keeper of Fate, and a cast of inappropriate characters, I’m going to embrace this starring role. I have to. If I can’t solve the problem of unboxing the box, my life as I know it will be over. No TV show, no close-up, and, definitely, no Emmy.
So, I’m onto my next gig. I have no clue how the episode will end. If I go down, I go down fighting. Forget the blaze of glory. This finale will be the blaze of my life."
"I want to live my life in peace for a little while as opposed to pieces. I don’t know who I have to bribe to catch a break, but I’m willing to pay the big bucks.
Apparently, no one got the memo. Midlife is one messy ride.
Fine. I’m off to Lexington, Kentucky to find a self-proclaimed dragon who sports a mullet, beer belly, and delusions of Immortal grandeur. This time he’s gone too far. He’s messed with me and mine for the last time.
The way to end a dragon is to remove his tail. We thought we had. A tail is in the back. Right?
Wrong.
So, so wrong.
With the love of my Immortal life by my side along with a few smack-talking, geriatric Nephilim and a foul-mouthed, toothpick loving Keeper of Fate, I’m ready.
And when it’s done, I’m taking a freaking vacation. I’ve earned it.
It’s time to slay the dragon for good.
This time there will be no mercy."
"I crashed the Immortal party and it ended with a surprise encore … a big one.
I thought being a Demon sucked, but being a Demon Goddess is a whole ’nother level. Life had been so much easier when I was just a forty-year-old has-been actress trying to make a comeback in the land of Botox and BS.
For the love of everything absurd, I was just getting used to being a Demon … and BAM … all of a sudden I’m supposed to be one of the two gals in charge? I mean, being the co-star of the show is great until it involves ruling the Darkness with the evil whack job who destroyed my mother.
Pandora is a guiding blight in my world, and I plan to cancel her at all costs. With my Demon love by my side and a gaggle of Immortal nutbags along for the ride, I’ll find the vicious Goddess and put her back in her box.
Ah well, fate is set. Destiny is my performance to command. I plan to improv the heck out of it. Go big or go home is my new modus operandi. Although, right now, home sounds seriously appealing. Either way, I’m strapping in and getting ready for the wildest gig yet."
"I did not order the extra slice of Armageddon to go with my midlife crisis. Apparently, if you’re an Immortal, it comes free of charge.
I have until sundown tomorrow to get to a parallel plane of existence, save my family, and kick bad-guy butt all before the world ends.
Impossible, right?
Not according to my posse of whackado buddies. They like to remind me that nothing is impossible as long as I believe.
Well, I’m about to be the mother of all believers.
Armed with nothing but a folder titled “Sh*t Pile” and backed by a few fabulous drag queens, a toothpick-chewing nutjob, a sweetheart with a penchant for sharing disgusting facts, and an ice queen who doesn’t play nice with others, we have our work cut out for us.
Time is not on my side, and I am having one hell of a midlife crisis."
"A fabulous mash-up of three of my favorite characters from three of my favorite series?
Umm… Yes, please!
Johnson from My Big Fat hairy Wedding, Dwayne from Shift Happens and Zorro from Magic and Mayhem are hanging out together and having the time of their lives.
Get ready for one wild and hilarious ride with Johnson Jones’ Diary—adventure, mistaken identities, love, fashion, belly laughs and of course, a happily ever after.
xoxo Robyn
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Dear Diary,
Tomorrow is the big day! Life is thrilling! All of my dreams are coming true… except the one where I ride off into the sunset with Prince Charming on a snowy white steed and inherit an adorable brownstone on the Upper East Side with a doorman named Jeeves. Well, one can’t have everything, can they?
Fingers are crossed—all of them—that my first big fashion show goes off without a hitch. Never in my wildest wizard dreams did I imagine that my designs would be headlining New York Fashion Week. As long as the models show up and my darling undead assistant, Helen, doesn’t cry happy tears of blood all over the frocks, I’m confident my caftans will be a huge success.
Who knew shapeless bodywear could be the next big thing? Me, that’s who! And I’m manifesting my dreams into reality.
Anyhoo, wish me luck, Dear Diary, and thanks as always for lending an ear… or a page, to be more accurate.
xoxo Johnson Jones"
"My motto—Let’s get this party started. My goal—staying alive.
Recently, I was given my own sitcom and my forties were looking fabulous. My dreams were finally coming true—were being the operative word.
Of course, just when I think I might have a grip on my newly discovered Demon status, it all goes to Hell. Literally.
I’ve gone from enemies-to-lovers back to enemies with the hottest Demon alive, who also happens to be the producer on my show. What I’d like to do is never see Abaddon’s stupidly handsome face again.
Too bad, so sad. I need his help. The evil whack-job Pandora has kidnapped someone who I love and adore. That’s not working for me. At all.
With a grenade carrying Succubus, an Angel with a penchant for blue lipliner, a Demon with bigger boobs than sense, and Abaddon on my team, I’m going into the Darkness to save someone I can’t live without.
I have no clue what’s coming next, but as an actress I’m not afraid to go method. I’ve already cried my river of tears and built a bridge to get over it. I’ll cross it as a badass as I face my Immortal enemy, because in my line of work, fortune favors the Bold."
"Lately, my life has been a big, fat, hairy midlife crisis. I could really go for a boring day or three.
Apparently, there’s no rest for the over-forty crowd.
Yes, I have fabulous friends.Yes, I have a beautiful baby.Yes, the ghosts are coming back home. Yes, I’m in love with the Grim Reaper.
However, that sexy Demon has got some major ’splainin’ to do … like his possible involvement in the shocking kidnapping of my worst and most deadly enemy.
With a drag queen and an ice queen as my back up, we’re going to sashay away into the Darkness to find the truth and turn a wrong into a right.
Although, I’m learning fast that black and white are often clouded with shades of gray.
Whatever. I’m putting on my rose-colored glasses and going for it. I plan to live midlife in peace … not pieces.
Good luck to me."
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