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Robert Rankin is an unrepentant Luddite who writes his bestselling novels by hand in exercise books. He is the author of THE HOLLOW CHOCLATE BUNNIES OF THE APOCALYPSE, THE WITCHES OF CHISWICK, The Brentford Trilogy (5 books), The Armageddon Quartet (3 books) and many more.
Robert Rankin, the master of far-fetched fiction, presents, for the first time, a book written in 'the first monkey'. Sure to be taken up as the newest of literary fads, Darwin, the Educated Ape here tells his life story to his legions of fans. Featuring: Chickens! Martians! Doodlebugs! The Far Future! The Distant Past! Sherlock Holmes! Winston Churchill! Dynamite! More Monkeys than you can shake a stick at! Barmen! Pubs! The End of the World and more!
Robert Rankin is one of the great British eccentrics, standing alongside Viv Stanshall, Spike Milligan and Neil Innes, amongst others. 'To call Rankin irreverent doesn't begin to describe just how very good he is at playing with the rules', says the MIRROR, while THE DAILY EXPRESS says: 'Everybody should read at least one Robert Rankin in their life' - and it's right. THE INDEPENDENT maintains: 'He is an author best read in large doses. His impressively individual style means that he becomes funnier the more you read him', THE OBSERVER admires ' the stark raving genius of Rankin ...the plot comes together with alarming and deformed brilliance' and the MAIL ON SUNDAY claims 'Rankin does for England what Spike Milligan does for Ireland. There can be no higher praise'. MAXIM calls him 'Fiendishly clever and joyously funny ...a brilliant imagination', and SFX think he's 'Oscar Wilde meets Kurt Vonnegut in the genetics lab of classic fantasy humour'. The newest opus from the Master of Far Fetched Fiction will enhance his reputation even further: it's time to stop Rankin being a hidden gem and make him the National Treasure his fans already believe him to be.
It's 1895; nearly a decade since Mars invaded Earth, chronicled by H.G. Wells in THE WAR OF THE WORLDS. Wrecked Martian spaceships, back-engineered by Charles Babbage and Nikola Tesla, have carried the Queen's Own Electric Fusiliers to the red planet, and Mars is now part of the ever-expanding British Empire. This is Robert Rankin's Far-Fetched-Fictional Steampunk sequel to THE WAR OF THE WORLDS.
It’s a Robert Rankin, to tell you anything will spoil it. Set in Brighton in the 60s, but not quite as we knew it, this stands alone, although it does make reference to earlier works and features ‘The Most Amazing Man Who Ever Lived’ who seems to crop up all over Rankin’s work. If you know him you’ll love it, if you don’t, what took you so long?Similar this month: None.Comparison: Terry Pratchett, Jasper Fforde, Andy Secombe.
Publishers are forever trying to compare this man and Tom Holt to Terry Pratchett. The only comparison is that they all write satirical comic fantasy. There is no substitute for Terry Pratchett but Robert Rankin is very much his own man and I love him. This wacky tale has the lovely idea that the Victorians actually rewrote history courteous of a cabal of witches. It’s fab.
If I tell you this is the prequel to the five books of the Brentford Trilogy you will get an idea of the wacky nature of this man. Fans need no introduction, newcomers prepare to be enthralled. He really does have an amazing imagination; you’ve got to read it to believe it. He’s great.Comparison: Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, Andy Secombe.Similar this month: None.
QUIVER AT! Horrible demonic stuff oozing out of computer screens! SHOCK HORROR! Elvis Presley pulling his face off! GASP AT! a talking brussels sprout! SEE! Cannibals on the rampage! HEAR! Fido the Dog do Frankie Howerd impressions! SEE! Rex Mundi, Rambo Bloodaxe, Deathblade Eric, Hugo Rune and a cast of millions caught up in Events Beyond Their Control! THRILL TO! all the loose ends from Armageddon the Musical magically tied up! WATCH! A comic genius doing the business! SEE?
'Ahead, where once had been only bombsite land, the Lateinos and Romiith building rose above Brentford. Within its cruel and jagged shadow, magnolias wilted in their window boxes and synthetic Gold Top became doorstep cheese...' Something sinister is happening east of Ealing. The prophecies of The Book of Revelation are being fulfilled. Lateinos & Romiith, a vast financial network, is changing all the rules with a plan to bar-code every living punter and dispense with old-fashioned money. A diabolical scheme, which would not only end civilisation as we know it, but seriously interfere with drinking habits at the Flying Swan. Can Armageddon, Apocalypse and other inconveniences of the modern age be stopped by the humble likes of Pooley and Omally, even with the help of Professor Slocombe and the time-warped Sherlock Holmes of Baker Street...?
He had walked the earth as Nostradamus, Uther Pendragon, Count Cagliostro and Rodrigo Borgia. He could open a tin of sardines with his teeth, strike a Swan Vesta on his chin, rope steers, drive a steam locomotive and hum all the works of Gilbert & Sullivan without becoming confused or breaking down in tears. He died, penniless, at a Hastings boarding house, in his ninetieth year. His name was Hugo Artemis Solon Saturnicus Reginald Arthur Rune, and he was never bored. Hailed as the 'guru's guru', Rune penned more than eight million words of genius including his greatest work, The Book of Ultimate Truths. But vital chapters of The Book were suppressed, chapters which could have changed the whole course of human history. Now, seventeen-year-old Cornelius Murphy, together with his best friend Tuppe, sets out on an epic quest. Their mission - recover the missing chapters. Re-publish The Book of Ultimate Truths. And save the world.
Eon Legacy, A Role Playing Game, with simple and powerful systems that give both the Storyteller and Game Masters full control of the universe with simple guidelines and templates and the players full control of their characters. Contained in this book are the Basics to Character Creation (Including Original Character Races, A Template for Custom Character Races, Original Classes, and all the standard gear one needs to play the game), Various systems for Combat and Interaction, Basics to designing entire worlds and Non Player Characters, Standards for Vehicles, Power Frames, Guides for structure and adventure, and a Slew of samples to use. Limitless action and adventure all at your fingertips! Art and even a simple D10 system have been added for those who like to roll!
DANNY: PORTRAIT OF A SURREAL KILLER Danny's not sad and lonely any more because Danny's got 'the voices'. Well, one voice. It's the voice of his dog. Not that it's a real dog, Danny's mother would never let him have a real dog, so Danny made up one for himself. And a fine big dog it is too, with a waggy tail and a nice cold nose. Danny was going to call it Princey, but the dog told him its name was Demolition. So that's what Danny calls it. And the dog's told him other things too. Like how to adjust the bar-code reader in the shop where Danny works so that he can read the lines on people's palms and Danny can see what they're thinking. And which small ads in the comic books to send off to, so Danny can become irresistible to women, bend others to his will, gain vital inches and fear no man living. No, Danny's not sad and lonely any more. Danny's barking mad. Robert Rankin has been described variously as 'Funnier than Aleister Crowley, more dangerous than P.G. Wodehouse' (Cardinal Cox, EP Magazine), 'The drinking man's H.G. Wells' (Midweek) and 'An irregular genius' (David Profumo, The Daily Telegraph). His 13th novel is a nightmare journey to hell and back (with only a brief stop at a Happy Eater to use the toilet). Where Natural Born Killers and Silence of the Lambs merely dipped their toes in terror's icy water, Rankin boldly takes his lurex sock off and really puts his foot in it.
In a world of constantly changing media trends and unending original content springing forth from the brilliant minds of millions there is but one way to defend one's work in coaxial age (A copyright). This small and potent book will set you on the path to that defense. Know it is dangerous to go alone but you will have THIS! Here are the basics to get your work protected and marketable. The author has compiled his experience from over ten years of publishing and condensed into a neat little book for anyone to start on the path of copyrights and publishing. Contained within: ~What kind of proofs and copies you should have before getting your work read to submit. ~How to get your work ready for submitting to get a copyright. ~Where to send the works you want to copyright (USA, Canada, UK, and Australia). ~Some basics on your rights. ~The most common E-Publishers. ~A brief on Trademarks and Patents.
Contains eight fantastic novels: THE HOLLOW CHOCOLATE BUNNIES OF THE APOCALYPSE, THE WITCHES OF CHISWICK, KNEES UP MOTHER EARTH, THE BRIGHINOMICON, THE TOYMINATOR, THE DA-DA-DE-DA-DA CODE, NECROPHENIA and RETROMANCER
They wrote it off as a scare story. The Millennium Bug, the non-event of the twentieth century. But they were wrong, because the Bug was real. Is real. It's a computer virus and it's about to make the deadly species cross-over, from machine to mankind. The Black Death was spread by rats. But this plague will be spread by a mouse. The computer mouse. And do you know how many different kinds of computer viruses there are? And just what they do? And just what they might do to you if you become infected? No? Then read this book and learn the terrible truth. Or perhaps you'd rather take a holiday in Brentfordland (R)? Formerly known as Brentford, this Thamesside Shangri La is now London's first ever suburban theme park and holiday village. A world of excitement, relaxation and fabulous fun, waiting just for you. To find out more, log on to the Brentfordland (R) web site. Just give your computer mouse a wiggle. Go on. What harm can it do?
There is big and evil magic abroad upon the face of the Earth. History has been changed. The Germans have won WWII. America is a nuclear wasteland. And worst of all, the breakfast menu at The Wife's Legs Cafe in Brentford is serving Bratwurst rather than the proper big boys' British banger. Something is Not Right. And when the world's all wrong and it needs setting right, who're you gonna call? Hugo Rune, that's who. A man who offers the world his genius, and asks only, in return, that the world cover his expenses. And so, with the aid of his faithful acolyte and companion Rizla, the guru's guru, also known as the hokus bloke, the Lad Himself and the Retromancer*, sets out to rewrite history the way it should be. Together they return to war-torn London, to solve the twelve cosmic conundra based on Hugo Rune's personal tarot deck, each one leading them closer to a final terrifying confrontation. They must match their wits against beautiful spies, advanced alien technology, killer robots and death rays, do battle with an ancient god, and come face to face once more with Hugo Rune's arch-enemy, the sinister Count Otto Black, all the while finding time to drink ale, talk the toot and dine out in some of London's swankiest eateries. Without ever paying the bill.
A hilarious comic fantasy from the bestselling cult creator of the Brentford Triangle Trilogy Once upon a time Jack set out to find his fortune in the big city. But the big city is Toy City, formerly known as Toy Town, and it has grown considerably since the good old days and isn't all that jolly any more. And there is a serial killer loose on the streets. The old, rich nursery rhyme characters are being slaughtered one by one and the Toy City police are getting nowhere in their investigations. Meanwhile, Private Eye Bill Winkie has gone missing, leaving behind his sidekick Eddie Bear to take care of things. Eddie may be a battered teddy with an identity crisis, but someone's got to stop the killer. When he teams up with Jack, the two are ready for the challenge. Not to mention the heavy drinking, bad behaviour, car chases, gratuitous sex and violence, toy fetishism and all-round grossness along the way. It's going to be an epic adventure!
Somewhere over the rainbow and just off the Yellow Brick Road stands Toy City, formerly known as Toy Town. And things are not going well for the city's inhabitants. There have been outbreaks of STC - Spontaneous Toy Combustion - and there are strange signs and portents in the Heavens. Preachers of Toy City's many religions are predicting that the End Times are approaching and that a Toy City Apocalypse will soon come to pass. But can this possibly be true, or is there a simple explanation - an alien invasion, for instance. With the body count rising and the forces of law and order baffled, it is the time for a hero to step forward and attempt to save the day. Well, two heroes actually, Eddie Bear, Toy City Private Eye and his loyal sidekick, Jack: our courageous twosome are about to face their biggest challenge yet, to save not only toykind, but the world of mankind too. Which should keep them out of the pub for a while.
We read him for his exuberant salmagundi of old jokes, myths, urban and otherwise, catchphrases, liberatingly crazy ideas, running gags, recurring characters and locations, unreliable authobiographical anecdotes, and not forgetting the now legendary 'load of old toot'. He becomes funnier the more you read him' Mat Coward, Independent on The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag Society's plug is about to be pulled, big time. At the stroke of midnight on 31 December 1999, computer systems all over the world will crash and plunge us into chaos. But so what if it's the downfall of civilization? These things happen. We'll just have to take it on the chin. Or at least up the nose. Because rejoice and give thanks, snuff is making a comeback. And who do we thank for this? Who is the man who brings joy to the nostrils of the nation? The tender blender with the blinder grinder? The master blaster with the louder powder? The geezer with the sneezer that's a real crowd pleaser? Mr Doveston, that's who, and this is his story. So forget about impending doom and enter the glamorous world of snuff-snorting. Oh, and don't forget to bring a hanky. Things could get a little messy later. Robert Rankin's novel gleefully chronicles the collapse of civilisation, as the world slides into chaos with a smile on its face and a finger up its nose. Prophetic vision of an imminent dystopia? Or just the rabid ranting of a snuff-crazed technophobe?
ONE IN EVERY THREE PEOPLE LIVING IS ACTUALLY DEAD! It is a matter of historical record that during the latter part of World War II, England's top-secret Ministry of Serendipity enlisted the services of arch-magician Aleister Crowley to create a Homunculus. Why? Well that's a long story, spanning almost seven decades as it follows the life and career of Tyler, rock star, private eye - and notable for the fact that he almost saved Mankind. The cast of millions also includes ukulele maestro George Formby, Mick Jagger, Mama Cass, Elvis Presley and Lazlo Woodbine. And Tyler's brother, Andy, who impersonates animals (and who single-handedly brought about the Swinging Sixties). And a lady named Clara from Croydon, who unlocked the meta-phenomena of the Multiverse. And a corner shopkeeper from Brentford, who created a sitting room for God. And a great many living dead. Oh yes, and it also involves a monster in human form whose intention it is to turn the Earth into a Necrosphere, a planet totally devoid of life ...
THE HOLLOW CHOCOLATE BUNNIES OF THE APOCALYPSE is set in Toy City, once Toy Town, but now older, bigger and certainly not wiser. The Old Rich, who have made their millions from the royalties on their world-famous nursery rhymes, are being slaughtered. One by One. Horribly. A psychopath is on the loose. He must be stopped at all costs. It's a job for Toy City's only detective - but he's missing, leaving Eddie Bear to track down the mad killer, with the aid only of his bestest friend, Jack, and a wide cast of truly unforgettable characters. This is a wonderfully funny book from the irreverent, hilarious writer of WEB SITE STORY, THE SPROUTS OF WRATH and The Brentford Trilogy.
'To call Rankin irreverent doesn't begin to describe just how good he is at playing with the rules' MIRROR Gary Cheese is twenty-two years of age and works for British Telecom as an operator. Gary's hobbies include watching TV, walking his dog Princey, going down the pub with his mates, and attempting to re-animate the dead. He hasn't been having too much success with the latter so far. But Gary's heard a rumour. According to this bloke he met down the pub, there exists certain telecommunications technology that can actually let you speak to the dead. Apparently it's been in operation for years. FLATLINE, it's called, a chatline to the dead. They ran all these ads on the TV a few years ago to prepare the public for it. Those ones about having a one-to-one with famous dead people. But it seems something went very wrong: the dead had certain things to say to the living that the powers that be couldn't allow to be heard. Or something. Apparently. Gary's determined to find out the truth. Gary's a bit of a fan boy and Gary really wants to speak to all of his dead heroes. And Gary will have the time of his life when he talks to the dead.
He becomes funnier the more you read him.' Independent It has always been John Omally's secret ambition to become a rock star. In his youth he mastered air guitar and wardrobe-mirror posing, but he lacked that certain something. Talent. But at last an opportunity has arisen for John to get into 'The Industry'. A band called Gandhi's Hairdryer are looking for a manager, so all John has to do is persuade them that he is the new Brian Epstein. It should be a piece of cake. But - and there's always a but - there is something rather odd about this band. Something other-worldly. It might be the lead singer, whose voice has the power to heal. Might she be an angel, perhaps? Or could she be the Devil in disguise? Because, after all, the Devil does have all the best tunes. And this is Brentford. In this, his final offering of the twentieth century, Robert Rankin returns to the town of his birth, the friends of his youth and one of the loves of his life: Rock Music. 'Everybody should read at least one Robert Rankin in their life.' Daily Express