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David Quantick is a BAFTA award-winning comedy writer and bestselling author of the bestselling series of Grumpy Old Men books. Dangerous Book for Middle-Aged Men is edited by the great Jon Naismith (producer of I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue and much award-winning radio and TV). Both are certainly not pushing middle-age and they are certainly not into cooking ... apart from truffles ... which are really, really expensive ... or sports cars ... and neither has a comb-over ... yet.
A Maxim Jakubowski selected title. A quirky thriller and semi-humorous shaggy dog tale from an author best known for his comic TV scripts, this proves wonderful entertainment. Jacky, a somewhat failure of a person and a pedantic translator, meets a beautiful girl in a bar, but messes things up badly once she comes to his flat. No surprise, then. When he later becomes a suspect in her murder, although no body is actually discovered, he draws a tenuous connection with a mysterious book she owned and some of the more eccentric writers he has interfaced with on in his day job and is launched on a madcap adventure to Paris to both prove his innocence and elucidate the book in an enigmatic language unknown to man, wikth a bow to Jorge Luis Borges, and the woman's notebook of rock and roll clippings (yes, it does make sense eventually!). Add to the crazy mix an old school type publisher, relentless cops on his trail, a strange museum, guns, perilous roof-top escapes and all sorts of mishaps and you have a wild trip, where the jokes linger and hapless narrator is a bewildered figure of fun and fascination.
You won’t be surprised to hear this is the author who brought us the Grumpy Old Men series. A humorous look at men of a certain age, we wonder if you’ll recognise your husband, father, self in these pages?
From Emmy-award winning author David Quantick, Night Train is a science-fiction horror story like no other. A woman wakes up, frightened and alone - with no idea where she is. She's in a room but it's shaking and jumping like it's alive. Stumbling through a door, she realizes she is in a train carriage. A carriage full of the dead. This is the Night Train. A bizarre ride on a terrifying locomotive, heading somewhere into the endless night. How did the woman get here? Who is she? And who are the dead? As she struggles to reach the front of the train, through strange and horrifying creatures with stranger stories, each step takes her closer to finding out the train's hideous secret. Next stop: unknown.
David Quantick is one of the best kept secrets in the world of writing. He's smart, funny and unique. You should let yourself in on the secret. - Neil Gaiman It is March 1979 in DeKalb Illinois. Todd Milstead is a wannabe writer, a serial adulterer, and a jerk, only tolerated by his friends because he throws the best parties with the best booze. During one particular party, Todd is showing off his perfect recall, quoting poetry and literature word for word plucked from his eidetic memory. When he begins quoting from a book no one else seems to know, a novel called All My Colors, Todd is incredulous. He can quote it from cover to cover and yet it doesn't seem to exist. With a looming divorce and mounting financial worries, Todd finally tries to write a novel, with the vague idea of making money from his talent. The only problem is he can't write. But the book - All My Colors - is there in his head. Todd makes a decision: he will write this book that nobody but him can remember. After all, if nobody's heard of it, how can he get into trouble? As the dire consequences of his actions come home to both Todd and his long-suffering friends, it becomes clear that there is a high - and painful - price to pay for his crime. A morality tale, a comedy, a horror story rolled into one. All My Colors has it all. - The Sun Really rich, funny, unsettling and just very alive. A brilliant premise executed with total confidence and authority. - John Niven, author of Kill Your Friends
GO WEST is a novel about Charlie Bread, self-styled Antiques Whisperer and forgery hunter. When Charlie is sent on the trail of a mysterious document that may have been written by the inventor of Peter Pan, his life becomes a road movie full of pursuit and intrigue, soundtracked by old John Peel shows, the beautiful Penelope, and a game of high road hide-and-seek all across the West Country. In a world where nothing is what it seems, Bread has to find out the truth - before the truth finds him out. Go West is the second novel by David Quantick, Emmy-winning writer (Veep, The Thick Of It) and author of The Mule ( A Da Vinci Code with laughs - The Independent, ingenious, likable, funny and above all entertaining -Spectator, accomplished and witty highbrow farce - Sunday Times)
So your husband/boyfriend/partner (delete as necessary) has just tipped over 35/40/45/50 (delete as necessary) and you can see that he's not quite as keen on Emmerdale as he once was. He's started to dress with his jeans hoiked too high like his hero Jeremy Clarkson and he's bought a home gym - the one recommended by George Clooney. Then there are those Harley Davison brochures delivered in brown envelopes. You've noticed he's started pulling in his beer gut when he's talks to his teenage secretary. And why have his grey sideburns turned that browny black? That's a sure sign of hair dye. And then you stumble into the bathroom in the morning and he's got his hands in a jar of your face cream. LADIES BEWARE! That dangerous age has arrived. It's the male menopause. The mid-life crisis. The time when suddenly you find your partner has put a whole Scalextrix track in your attic without you noticing. He's bought an electric guitar and insists on playing 'Smoke On The Water 'to the cat at all hours. It that time when no matter what you say they suddenly don't mind making a fools of themselves. They come home almost every week with a new enthusiasm. Dangerous Men don't just cook - they COOK. With truffles, that cost GBP210 for one the size of a wrinkled scrotum, and have to be from the right region of France. And they must be served with a side order of blowfish, because you saw that in a James Bond DVD that came free with the Mail on Sunday.
Following the phenomenal success of Grumpy Old Men, the quintessential grumpy old man, David Quantick, has taken a well-deserved holiday. But no matter where you go, there is always something to moan about. You're stuck behind endless caravans on the M4, waiting for a non-existent filthy train, hanging around looking at crap luggage in an airport. Is it going to be worth the effort? Of course is b****y well isn't. David Quantick here explores everything that makes the rest of the world different - and therefore worse - than Britain and lets us know exactly why it is safer to stay at home than to become grumpy old men on holiday. The indispensable guide to the grumpy old xenophobe in us all.
Following the phenomenal success of `Grumpy Old Men', and `Grumpy Old Men on Holiday', the guru of grump, David Quantick, takes a stand for miserable slobs everywhere against the self-help motivational mafia and keep-fit claptrap. The ultimate in stress-relief for the 21st-Century Grouch. Are you an irritable, crabby, cantankerous, malcontented old grump? Well relax, because you're not alone. Do you feel that the best way to cleanse your aura is to have trains that run on time, rather than detoxing with soybean-curd and shots of wheat germ, and that banning novelty mobile phone ring-tones would balance your chakras better than a course of crystal and hot-stones healing? If it is an intolerance of other people, rather than glucose, that gives you irritable bowel syndrome, and a gin and tonic soothes your karma better than ginseng and tofu ever could, then this book is for you. Apathetic malcontents unite! It's time to roll up your yoga mats and use as draft excluders, line the cat's litter tray with your organic, macrobiotic muesli, put your feet up on your abs-crunching exercise ball and make only ONE Resolution for the New year: to be grumpier and more bloody miserable than ever.
Eternal enemies the ginger-haired Ri and the coot-bald Ir are plotting to turn their truce at the Festival of the Twin Moons of Tuin to their own advantage. Only the Dark Husband can stop the celebrations turning to horror...but who is the Dark Husband?
At last! A comprehensive, handy guide for the misery-guts in your life. Are you an irritable, crabby, cantankerous, malcontented old grump? Well relax, because you're not alone. Grumpy Old Men is an annotated, cross-referenced and fully illustrated manual for malcontents everywhere: the comprehensive Gripes of Wrath. A compilation of gripes and grumbles, illustrated with blood-boiling images such as derailed trains and traffic wardens throughout. The next time you find yourself enraged by pointless speed bumps, overcrowded trains, ill-mannered drivers, irritating adverts, inefficient customer help-lines, overbooked airlines, inconsiderate cyclists, slow-moving caravans, extortionate bank charges, persistent charity collectors, mindless hotel muzak, unfunny clowns or just plain miserable British weather, let this book take the strain. The ultimate in stress-relief for the 21st-Century Grouch.
Eddie Izzard - action transvestite, boy racer and male tomboy - spent the 1990s conquering Britain. As the decade ended, he looked further afield. Dressed To Kill , his stand-up tour, saw him transport his high heels and off-the-shoulder numbers to New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco, taking a natural comedian's delight in the differences separating the two sides of the Pond. In this book, he reflects on his birth in Yemen and his childhood in Northern Ireland, Wales and London, and muses on animals, male tomboys, street theatre, sex, crime, God, The Great Escape , Bible stories starring Sean Connery and James Mason, and cats who dig for oil. He also reflects on the trials and tribulations of being an cross-dressing, surrealist comedian intent on making it in America.
The complete fourth series of brief musical comedies - as heard on BBC Radio 4. These musical comedies contain some of the most foot-tapping satire you'll ever hear... 'Westminster Side Story' - Gordon Brown and David Cameron are two gang leaders with nothing to fight about. 'Life on Noel' - Noel Edmonds wakes up in 2007 and is desperate to return to 1973 in this 70s glam-rock musical. 'How Do You Stop a Woman Like Camilla?' - Camilla Parker Bowles leaves the convent to help look after Charles Von Windsor's huge family of two boys. 'When You Wish upon a Car' - a tornado dumps Jeremy Clarkson under the rainbow in the car-free and pedestrian-friendly Land of Oz. 'The Princess and the Frog Chorus' - Ringo Starr narrates a tabloid fairytale about Heather, a young princess, and Paul, a not-so-young mega-rich pop prince. 'Around the World in 15 Minutes' - Tony Phileas Blair accepts a bet from Gordon Brown that he can't solve the world's problems in a quarter of an hour. The complete fourth BBC Radio 4 series by Dave Cohen, David Quantick and Richie Webb.