Rosemarie Jarski writes screenplays and compiles anthologies. Her previous publications include Hollywood Wit, Wisecracks and Wrinkliesâ€™ Wit & Wisdom.
This is so much more than a 'loo book' and, through the hundreds of fantastically funny and poignant quotes, celebrates and reevaluates fatherhood. But before dads get too big-headed there are also some witty and waspish comments from the people who have to live with them. Hours and hours of laughs -- and a must have for every home.
Old is the new young! Grey is the new black! Rocking chairs are the new rock 'n' roll! Saga-louts are the new lager-louts! This sparkling collection of wrinklie wit and wisdom is proof-positive that the stereotypes of knitting grannies and doddering granddads just aren't true anymore - if, indeed, they ever were. Senior citizens are not going gentle into that good night. They're still out there, living life to the full, taking on new challenges and showing us how to grow old disgracefully. It's all in here: life, love, the universe, and Viagra. Coffin-dodgers will find lots of laughs, inspiration and 'Yes, that's me!' moments, and whippersnappers who are still some way off the free bus-pass can pick up lots of valuable tips on how to cope when the inevitable happens. Because as Maurice Chevalier said, 'Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.'
The bestselling, blockbusting, bumper book of humorous quotations rides back into town with 6,000 more hilariously funny quotes. From times past to the modern day, classic funnies to contemporary wit, The Funniest Thing You Never Said 2 delivers an unbeatable selection of fantastic and hilarious quotes on every subject under the sun. Featuring topics as diverse as celebrity to religion, and including a cast of quotees ranging from Oscar Wilde to Homer Simpson, there's something here for everyone with a sense of humour. 'I am willing to love all mankind, except an American.' - Samuel Johnson 'Glastonbury was very wet and muddy. There was trench foot, dysentery, peaches ... all the Geldof daughters.' - Sean Lock 'Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren't for the goddamned people.' - Richard Nixon 'I've had more women than most people have noses.' - Steve Martin 'I have the simplest tastes. I'm always satisfied with the best.' - Oscar Wilde 'Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.' - Homer Simpson 'All I know is I'm not a Marxist.' - Karl Marx 'I'm the pink sheep of the family.' - Alexander McQueen
Fathers' Wit is a collection of the funniest things ever said about the greatest role a man ever has in life. All aspects of fatherhood are looked at: from conception to nappy changing, from family holidays to first dates, from paying for weddings to filling for bankruptcy. Pearls of paternal wit and wisdom are offered by fathers who've been there, done that, and got the sick-marked T-shirt.
'Having a baby is like watching two very inefficient removal men trying to get a very large sofa through a very small doorway, only in this case you can't say, Oh, sod it, bring it through the French windows ' Victoria Wood 'It's not easy being a mother. If it were, fathers would do it' Dorothy, The Golden Girls Motherhood is a tough job and a serious business. Which means there's all the more reason to step back and see the funny side of it, and Just Like Mum Says is packed with humorous insights and wry observations on all matters maternal. Tracing the course of mothering through pregnancy, the terrible twos, the teenage years and the empty nest, Just Like Mum Says includes wise and witty words from celebrated matriarchs from Marge Simpson to Sharon Osbourne, and Victoria Beckham to Victoria Wood. In short, Just Like Mum Says amuses, delights, enlightens and touches the heart - just like Mum. 'When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I've done my job' Roseanne
'They misunderestimated me' George W. Bush Einstein said only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity. So in deference to the dumbing down of our culture, comes Dim Wit - a collection of the most jaw-droppingly stupid things ever said. The cast includes every famous foot-in-mouther from George W Bush to Prince Philip, Paris Hilton to Jade Goody, not to mention hundreds of unsung idiots plucked from villages the world over. The result is a confederacy of dunces more pro-fun than profound - a clever witticism may coax an inward smile but it takes a really stupid remark to deliver a belly laugh. So pick up Dim Wit and prepare to embrace your inner moron - it may be the smartest thing you do... 'My grandma overheard two women talking in a doctor's surgery. After a while, one said to the other, Do you know, Mary, I don't feel too well. I think I'll go home. ' - Robyn Jankel 'I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead.' - Samuel Goldwyn 'Winston Churchill? Wasn't he the first black President of America? There's a statue of him near me - that's black.' - Danielle Lloyd
Old is the new young! Grey is the new black! Sagalouts are the new lager-louts! This sparkling collection of wrinklies' wit and wisdom explodes the old stereotypes of knitting grannies and doddering grandpas. Today's golden girls and silver studs are more likely to take inspiration from age-defying stars like Joan Collins, Bruce Forsyth and Mick Jagger: they're growing old disgracefully, living life to the full, taking on new challenges and keeping a sense of humour. If laughter is the best medicine, consider this your prescription for a long and happy life. He who laughs, lasts.It's all in here: life, love, the universe, and Viagra. Coffin-dodgers will find lots of laughs, inspiration and Yes, that's me! moments, and those who are still some way off the free bus-pass can pick up lots of valuable tips on how to cope when the inevitable happens. Because as Maurice Chevalier said, Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
Do you think the world's going to hell in a handcart? Do you reckon the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train? If the answer is a heartfelt yes, you'll feel right at home amongst the malcontents and misanthropes here. Woody Allen, W.C. Fields, Dorothy Parker, Joan Rivers, Jo Brand, Mark Lamarr and Victor Meldrew are just some of the world-class curmudgeons to sound-off hilariously about all the things that make you seethe: traffic wardens, cold callers, caravans, James Blunt, estate agents, other drivers, being put on hold, men in flip-flops and modern art. With over 4,000 entries, this is the most comprehensive collection of grumpiness there has ever been. As for you Pollyannas who persist in looking for silver linings despite dire weather warnings, isn't it about time you woke up and smelt the rancid coffee? Cast off those rose-tinted spectacles, climb on board the handcart and fasten your seatbelts: it's going to be one hell of a grumpy ride.
'A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees,' as William Blake so aptly put it. What he probably meant, being a publisher and a printer himself, was that the wise man cuts down the tree and turns the resultant paper into a one-size-fits-all book packed with the sagest advice, quips and quotations from some of the wisest and funniest people whose counsel you could ever wish to hear. A Word from the Wise is a one-stop shop with over 6,000 quotes. It's a vast resource, but every one is a gem, from such knowledgeable souls as Hunter S Thompson, The Talmud, Dorothy Parker and Daffy Duck. With each quote handily placed within every possible category you could think of, and with more quotes in every genre than anywhere else, A Word From the Wise is a must for anyone who thinks they could do with knowing a little bit or a lot more. 'A quotation at the right moment is like bread in a famine' The Talmud 'Imagination is more important than knowledge' Albert Einstein 'If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars' John Paul Getty 'Violence is the repartee of the illiterate' George Bernard Shaw 'Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition' Timothy Leary 'A narcissist is someone better-looking than you are' Gore Vidal
There's nothing much left to feel good about these days if you're British, but one of the few things where we all agree that we're still a world leader is our defining sense of humour. Thematically covering every subject imaginable, from God to dogs, this collection is the seminal gathering of our national wit and a picture of who we are as a nation - a monument to our monumental silliness. 'An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.' George Mikes Jane Austen, Jo Brand, Craig Brown, Winston Churchill, Alan Clark, Jeremy Clarkson, Billy Connolly, Peter Cook, Tommy Cooper, Stephen Fry, A.A. Gill, Boris Johnson, Samuel Johnson, Maureen Lipman, Spike Milligan, Eric Morecambe, William Shakespeare, George Bernard Shaw, Frank Skinner, Sue Townsend, Peter Ustinov, Queen Victoria, Oscar Wilde, P.G. Wodehouse, Victoria Wood and many more.
Whether for the loo or bedside entertainment or as a work of reference or self-improvement The Funniest Thing You Never Said is the biggest and best humorous quotation book there is - a complete one-stop shop of witty one liners. Quotations are ordered not by A-Z, but by thematic categories: love; business; religion; celebrity, you name it, every category is covered. The collection includes all the classics from Oscar Wilde to Winston Churchill, Dorothy Parker to Groucho Marx but also mines many new hidden gems from lesser lights and includes many contemporary quotes by everyone from Jilly Cooper to Jonathan Ross. A standard companion for new collectors, and a fresh perspective for serious quotation addicts.