Audiobooks by Dave Barry

Lessons From Lucy: The Simple Joys of an Old, Happy Dog

Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist and bestselling author Dave Barry reads his latest book on how he learned to age gracefully, taking cues from his beloved and highly intelligent dog, Lucy. Faced with the obstacles and challenges of life after middle age, Dave Barry turns to his best dog, Lucy, to learn how to live his best life. From "Make New Friends" (an unfortunate fail when he can't overcome his dislike for mankind) to "Don't Stop Having Fun" (validating his longtime membership in a marching unit that performs in parades—and even Obama's inauguration), Dave navigates his later years with good humor and grace. Lucy teaches Dave how to live in the present, how to let go of daily grievances, and how to feel good in your own skin. The lessons are drawn from Dave's routine humiliations and stream-of-consciousness accounts of the absurdities of daily life, which will leave readers heaving with laughter and recognition. Laugh-out-loud hilarious, whether he's trying to "Pay Attention to the People You Love" (even when your brain is not listening) or deciding to "Let Go of Your Anger," Dave Barry's Lessons From Lucy is a witty and wise guide to joyous living.

Dave Barry (Author), Dave Barry (Narrator)

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Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway

Understanding the urgent need for a deeply thoughtful, balanced book to explain our national political process, Dave Barry has not even come close. Though he himself has covered many campaigns, run for president several times, and run for cover at the rainy inauguration of George W. Bush (the man will spare nothing for his art), Barry has instead outdone himself. Below the Beltway includes Barry''s stirring account of how the United States was born, including his version of a properly written Declaration (When in the course of human events it behooves us, the people, not to ask "What can our country do for us, anyway?" but rather whether we have anything to fear except fear itself) and a revised Constitution (Section II: The House of Representatives shall be composed of people who own at least two dark suits and have not been indicted recently). Dave also cracks the income-tax code and explains the growth(s) of government, congressional hearing difficulties, and the persistent rumors of the influence of capital in the Capitol. Among other civic contributions, his tour of Washington D.C. should end school class trips forever.

Dave Barry (Author), Dick Hill (Narrator)

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For This We Left Egypt?: A Passover Haggadah for Jews and Those Who Love Them

If you’ve ever suffered through a Passover Seder, you’re well aware of the fact that the entire evening can feel like we’re still in bondage. There are endless stories, frequent hand washing, and not enough eating. The book you hold before you is no ordinary Haggadah. For This We Left Egypt? is a hilarious and entertaining parody from the comedic minds of Dave Barry, Alan Zweibel, and Adam Mansbach. These award-winning comedy writers take you through every step of the Seder, from getting rid of all the chametz in your house by setting it on fire with a standard blowtorch (preferably outdoors), to breaking the middle matzah—that is, if you can find a piece that isn’t already broken, to a hilariously absurd retelling of the Passover story featuring Pharaoh Schmuck, a burning bush that sounds kind of like Morgan Freeman, and the Promised Land which turned out not to be a land of milk and honey but rather one of rocks and venomous scorpions the size of Yorkshire terriers. Also included are useless commentary and thought-provoking discussion questions throughout such as: Is Manischewitz considered a plague? Publishing just in time for Passover, this book will be the perfect gift book from G-d that you’ll want to share and laugh over with friends and family.

Adam Mansbach, Alan Zweibel, Dave Barry (Author), Adam Mansbach, Alan Zweibel, Dave Barry (Narrator)

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Best. State. Ever.: A Florida Man Defends His Homeland

A brilliantly funny exploration of the Sunshine State from the man who knows it best: Pulitzer Prize winner and New York Times-bestselling author Dave Barry. We never know what will happen next in Florida. We know only that, any minute now, something will. Every few months, Dave Barry gets a call from some media person wanting to know, "What the hell is wrong with Florida?" Somehow, the state's acquired an image as a subtropical festival of stupid, and as a loyal Floridian, Dave begs to differ. Sure, there was the 2000 election. And people seem to take their pants off for no good reason. And it has flying insects the size of LeBron James. But it is a great state, and Dave is going to tell you why. Join him as he celebrates Florida from Key West at the bottom to whatever it is that's at the top, from the Sunshine State's earliest history to the fun-fair of weirdness and gunfire ("Our motto: 'Come back! We weren't firing at you!'") that it is today. It's the most hilarious book yet from "the funniest damn writer in the whole country" (Carl Hiaasen, and he should know). By the end, you'll have to admit that whatever else you might think about Florida-you can never say it's boring.

Dave Barry (Author), Dick Hill (Narrator)

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The Worst Night Ever

Last year, Wyatt Palmer was the hero of middle school, having foiled a plot against the president of the United States. But now he and his friends are in Coral Cove High School-home of the Fighting Conchs-and Wyatt is no longer a hero: he's just another undersized freshman, hoping to fit in, or at least not be unpopular. Things start to go wrong when Matt Diaz, who is Wyatt's best friend but also something of an idiot, decides to bring his pet ferret, Frank, to school. Through an unfortunate series of events, Frank ends up in the hands of the Bevin brothers, who are the most popular boys at Coral Cove High but also, as Matt soon discovers, the nastiest. When Wyatt and Matt concoct a plan to get Frank back, they sneak onto the grounds of the Bevins' waterfront mansion and stumble onto the Bevin family's dark and deadly secret. That's when Wyatt learns that some things are worse than being unpopular in high school. MUCH worse.

Dave Barry (Author), Todd Haberkorn (Narrator)

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The Worst Class Trip Ever

In this hilarious novel, written in the voice of eighth-grader Wyatt Palmer, Dave Barry takes us on a class trip to Washington, DC. Wyatt, his best friend, Matt, and a few kids from Culver Middle School find themselves in a heap of trouble—not just with their teachers, who have long lost patience with them—but from several mysterious men they first meet on their flight to the nation's capital. In a fast-paced adventure with the monuments as a backdrop, the kids try to stay out of danger and out of the doghouse while trying to save the president from attack—or maybe not.

Dave Barry (Author), Todd Haberkorn (Narrator)

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Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster): Life Lessons from Dave Barry

An uproariously funny examination of what one generation can teach to another—or not—from the Pulitzer Prize winner and New York Times–bestselling author of You Can Date Boys When You’re Forty and Insane City. During the course of living (mumble, mumble) years, Dave Barry has gained much wisdom* (*actual wisdom not guaranteed) and he is eager to pass it on—to the next generation, the generation after that, and to those idiots who make driving to the grocery store in Florida a death-defying experience. In brilliant, brand-new, never-before-published pieces, Dave passes on home truths to his new grandson and to his daughter, Sophie (who will be getting her learner’s permit in 2015, the thought of which scares Dave silly). He explores the hometown of his youth, when all the men went to the city in suits and hats but still seemed to be having un-Mad Men–like fun, and how they turned into the neurotic hover-parents of today. He dives into everything from Google Glass (bottom line: “You feel like an idiot”) to why men hate birthdays and anniversaries; from How to Speak Spanish to firsthand accounts of the soccer craziness of Brazil and the just-plain-crazy craziness of Putin’s Russia, and a lot more besides. By the end, if you do not feel wiser, richer in knowledge, and more attuned to the universe…it wouldn’t be surprising. But you’ll have had a lot to laugh about!

Dave Barry (Author), Dave Barry (Narrator)

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You Can Date Boys When You're Forty: Dave Barry on Parenting and Other Topics He Knows Very Little A

A brilliantly funny exploration of the twin mysteries of parenthood and families from the Pulitzer Prize winner and New York Times-bestselling author of Insane City In his New York Times-bestselling I'll Mature When I'm Dead, Dave Barry embarked on the treacherous seas of adulthood, to hilarious results. What comes next? Parenthood, of course, and families. In uproarious, brand-new pieces, Barry tackles everything from family trips, bat mitzvah parties and dating (he's serious about that title: "When my daughter can legally commence dating-February 24, 2040-I intend to monitor her closely, even if I am deceased") to funeral instructions ("I would like my eulogy to be given by William Shatner"), the differences between male and female friendships, the deeper meaning of Fifty Shades of Grey, and a father's ultimate sacrifice: accompanying his daughter to a Justin Bieber concert ("It turns out that the noise teenaged girls make to express happiness is the same noise they would make if their feet were being gnawed off by badgers"). Let's face it: families not only enrich our lives every day, they drive us completely around the bend. Thank goodness we have Dave Barry as our guide!

Dave Barry (Author), Dave Barry (Narrator)

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Stay Fit and Healthy until You're Dead

Fitness and vitality can be yours, writes Dave Barry-provided you have the discipline, drive, and the plain old-fashioned guts required to procure the necessary steroids. This manual may help, too, but you'll just have to buy it and find out. Barry on executive fitness: Today's top executives eat teeny meals and run ten miles and play tennis and work out every day. Of course, they're so busy getting fit that many don't even know where their offices are. That's why the entire US economy is now manufactured overseas. Barry on fitness after death: A quick chill, to approximately 325 degrees below zero, yields a muscle tone that we normally associate only with world-class body builders and certain minerals. Barry on nutrition: Every morning you should take a vitamin A pill, followed by a vitamin D, followed by an E, until you've spelled the healthful mnemonic phrase: 'A DEAD CAD BAKED A BAD CAKE, ACE.' And eat all the fiber-rich foods you can shove down your throat; these would be mainly your cotton candy and your Slim Jims. Barry on junk foods: White bread and refined sugar, if eaten, cause death within hours. So it's important to watch what you eat, at least until you get it inside your mouth. After that it becomes pretty disgusting.

Dave Barry (Author), Arte Johnson (Narrator)

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Insane City

Seth Weinstein always knew Tina was way, way, way out of his league. Which is why he’s still astonished that he’s on a plane heading for their wedding in Florida. The Groom Posse has already pulled an airport prank on him—and he’s survived! It should be easy going from now on. But Seth has absolutely no idea what he’s about to get into. A simple drink or two with the boys sparks a series of events that will pit Seth and his friends against everything and everyone imaginable, from his very powerful, very disapproving soon-to-be father-in-law to the federal government to a love-struck orangutan. Seth’s hope for smooth sailing is turning into a trip on the Titanic. And the water is getting deeper by the minute… From the Trade Paperback edition.

Dave Barry (Author), Dave Barry (Narrator)

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Lunatics: A Novel

One of them is a bestselling Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist. The other is a winner of the Thurber Prize for American Humor. Together, they form the League of Comic Justice, battling evildoers in the name of . . . Okay, we made that line up. What they do form is a writing team of pure comic genius, and they will have you laughing like idiots. Philip Horkman is a happy man-the owner of a pet store called The Wine Shop, and on Sundays a referee for kids' soccer. Jeffrey Peckerman is the sole sane person in a world filled with goddamned jerks and morons, and he's having a really bad day. The two of them are about to collide in a swiftly escalating series of events that will send them running for their lives, pursued by the police, soldiers, terrorists, subversives, bears, and a man dressed as Chuck E. Cheese. Where that all takes them you can't begin to guess, but the literary journey there is a masterpiece of inspiration and mayhem. But what else would you expect from the League of Comic Justice? AUTHOR BIOS: Dave Barry's recent bestselling books include his Peter Pan prequels, written with Ridley Pearson; Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far); and I'll Mature When I'm Dead. He lives in Coral Gables, Florida. To learn more about Dave Barry, please visit www.davebarry.com. Alan Zweibel is one of the original Saturday Night Live writer, the winner of multiple Emmy Awards for his television work and the Thurber Prize for his novel The Other Shulman, and collaborator with Billy Crystal on the Tony Award-winning play 700 Sundays. He lives in Short Hills, New Jersey. To learn more about Alan Zweibel, please visit www.alanzweibel.com.

Alan Zweibel, Dave Barry (Author), Alan Zweibel, Dave Barry, Marc Thompson, Orlagh Cassidy, Sean Kenin (Narrator)

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The Bridge to Never Land

Aidan and Sarah Cooper have no idea what they're getting into one afternoon when they discover a mysterious coded document in a secret compartment of an antique English desk their father recently bought at an auction. Something about the document seems familiar to Sarah, and that night she realizes what it is: the document seems to be referring to some books she has read - the Starcatchers series, about the origin of Peter Pan. But how could that be? The document seems far older than the books. And of course, the books are just stories. . . . Curious, Sarah and Aidan begin to decipher the mysterious document. At first it's a game -unraveling the mystery piece by piece, each piece leading them to a new, deeper puzzle. But soon the game turns strange - and scary. They discover that the "stories" are real, and that what they thought was a fictional battle between good and evil is still going on. And the scariest part is: They have become part of it. Pursued by a being that can take any form and will stop at nothing to get what it wants from them, Aidan and Sarah embark on a desperate, thrilling quest for help - a quest that leads them to some unforgettable people in some unlikely places, including one that's not supposed to exist at all. At each step they must solve new puzzles and escape new dangers, all the while knowing that if they fail, the evil they are fleeing will be let loose on an unsuspecting world.

Dave Barry, Ridley Pearson (Author), MacLeod Andrews (Narrator)

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